Closing Death by Lettuce

I am sure by now this is not a big surprise, as I haven't written any new entries in months. This is actually a good thing, means I have other things going on in my life besides cancer... which is awesome.

I have had a lot of e-mails lately from people wanting to post articles and things on my blog, I apologize for lack of responses... I have literally been crazy busy.

Why?

Because I'm moving to Ukraine on Tuesday.

No seriously... moving... to.... Ukraine.

After months of jumping through hoops and pulling strings, I am finally joining the Peace Corps. The only appropriate word for how I feel is stoked.

That being said, I will be blogging again! Not so much about cancer, but about life and things in the Peace Corps, helping people, etc.

I've actually set up a whole website, mainly dedicated to photography. Eventually I will have it set up so people can buy my pictures and things. It isn't live yet, but should be by Monday.

It is www.robsukranianadventure.com

I will make that a link once it is live.

Thank you all for reading my blog; I can only hope its helped others as much as it has helped me.

-robs

Losing your cancer virginity

Cancer is surprisingly like sex. We all have stories about our first time. There's even bases before you "score" so to speak. And I don't think ever getting another diagnosis of cancer is every quite the same as that first time.

First base: Doctor finds a lump
Second base: tests
Third base: the phone call
Home: the face to face diagnosis

First base:
Student health... I was there for my yearly. The nurse practitioner walks in... first thing she says to me is something along the lines of, "so is this your follow up for chlamydia?" WHAT? NO, what are you talking about?... something about how last years tests showed whatever, someone forgot to call me, etc... (later this was discovered to be just a mix up, but fantastic start)... next, physical, "Do you know you have a lump on your neck?" Huh? Ok... Not really sure what thats all about...

A friend lost

I learned today that I lost a friend. We weren't close friends... we've had drinks together at parties... he was more of my friend's friend... people thought that we should be friends, and tried to get us to be friends because what we had in common was that we were both law school cancer survivors, and then young lawyers dealing with cancer. I think for this very reason we didn't actually become friends. Because it seemed like we were supposed to have this connection... but in real life, when you are with your friends, and hanging out... that isn't necessarily what you want your connection to be. Like so many things, I don't know if that makes sense.

I think its the same reason why I'm no good at support groups. Why I can't seem to muster the motivation to go to a cancer summit... talk one on one, or face to face with people. I don't like this world in my real world.

And yet, even keeping distance between us... I find that I am still hurt, that apparently there was this connection... a silent acknowledgment that someone else had a general idea of what you were dealing with... even if the circumstances were totally different. He was a mental cushion... someone I knew if anything worse happened to me I could call up and be like, how do I deal with this. I'm guessing it would have been a very awkward conversation... but it was an option that is no longer there.

RIP Adam Thomas

fuck cancer

A post from Adam's work

"I'm not quite dead... I think I'll go for a walk now... I feel happy... I feel Happy!"

Ok, so I went on a hiatus... a very long, hiatus. A very long hiatus that may or may not continue. But, quite frankly, I haven't had that much to write about. And seeing as I sit in front of a computer all day doing work, and not even fooling around on the internet... I lose motivation to write when I get home.

So cancer related stuff:

My Peace Corps application got put on hold b/c they wanted a pathology report from May 2009 for a fna. I will not be leaving in September... and I'm still waiting to pass medical.

I despise being attached to a pill. I didn't have time to refill my meds when I normally do b/c I was out of town. I got to the pharmacy late yesterday, and she said she could fill one... I said Levoxyl... she filled allegra. I am one of those where i can feel when i don't have my meds... whether its all in my head or not doesn't matter... It gets to me.

I went to a law conference purely to go to the seminar on cancer patient rights. I made the mistake of sitting under the ac... this makes me fall asleep... I nearly fell asleep during the one thing i wanted to see. But out if it I learned about LINC

Pretty neat group. Help people w/ legal and business issues dealing w/ cancer. What I found really interesting is the guy who got up and talked about people losing their homes b/c of medical issues and not being able to pay their mortgage.

I was like... no shit, that's what I do! I modify loans and keep people out of foreclosure. We do free consultations, and have a damn good track record when it comes to saving peoples homes. So I'm working on extending our services out to LINC. I mean even just a free consultation to tell people what their options are is sometimes all people need. If you are in trouble... please please please don't go to some out of state mortgage broker company, or something that sounds like its a government program but asks for just an upfront fee for help. And definitely don't go to someone who guarantees you a modification or they can save your home. Try to get a modification yourself, work with a HUD counselor... then find a lawyer. One you can meet with. I'm dead serious. As cancer patients we are hell of persistent people that know about loop holes and know about how to wear down red tape... so of anyone, I would say our group in general can do this stuff on our own. But... if you are tired, and want someone else... use a lawyer and only a lawyer. I know they are hard to find... but there are too many scams out there. Hell, if you are out of state, I don't mind you calling me to talk things over, and if you want me to check on someone to see if they are legit, I'll do it for you. Just shoot me an e-mail. I'll try to organize this in a better e-mail later.... I'm suddenly having a flood of ideas.

I think I'll stop now, and regroup my thoughts...

Other random things, I'm trying to join up w/ the young lawyers group w/ the Virginia State Bar who just put out a cancer rights booklet... If you want want, or a bunch to distribute, I'll see what I can do to get my hands on some.

It also looks more and more like I'll be here long term. I'd like to start up and i[2]y in the area. Are any of my readers out there in Hampton Roads?

I realize its a bit of a scattered e-mail... but possibly more to come. And thanks to everyone who checks back here regularly. I know since June 17 there's been like 139 hits throughout the world. That means a lot to me. And is really what motivated me to write again... even if short and jumpy.

Anytime Fitness Total Body Challenge

So as you all may remember, my New Year's resolution this year was to put my life back where it was 5 years ago, namely by getting back to my pre-cancer weight. Now I've kept quiet about how all this as gone after this summer's weekly updates resulting in my embarrassment once I just stopped. But I've been doing the Body Challenge, and have in fact crushed my pre-cancer weight. My final weigh in this morning was -48lbs. I went from 217 to 169.

Below is the essay I wrote for the challenge:

A little over four months ago, I don’t think you would have found anyone more resistant to the idea of joining the body challenge than me. Basically I didn’t think I could really commit to it; I was unemployed, studying for the Bar exam, clueless as to whether or not I would be moving out of the area during that time, and just didn’t think I had the physical ability to really be competitive… and I need to be competitive. I was happy just doing my own routine, knocking off a few pounds here and there; why would I ever want to join something I couldn’t really commit to, let alone win?

Then Bill Garvey, the 2009 winner, and my step-dad started getting on me about joining, you know “keeping it in the family.” Then CJ cornered me in the gym. And then finally, my mom turned to me after noticing how much weight I already dropped, and was like, “so at this rate you’ll win the challenge without actually joining.”

I had started back at the gym right after New Years. I realize it’s a bit of a cliché, but everything in my world had sort of gotten flipflopped around and it seemed like good timing. I just graduated law school, moved back home, and was settling into another hectic few months of studying and waiting. But more influential than all of this was that I was coming up on my 5 year cancerversary. I was just 21, a senior in college, when I was first diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Yes, that’s the cancer of the one main organ in your body that controls things like weight and your metabolism. Since then, I’ve had enough yearly surgeries and radiation treatments to systematically destroy any body. Throw in the added stress of four years of law and grad school, and a set of bad knees from my days as a proper athlete, and this spells a recipe for physical disaster. I know I’m a stress eater, and I know that I probably pack on more weight because I’m always a bit strung out. The final blow came last February when I was told I would always have cancer; I would always test positive for it; it would always be there, and I would just need to watch and wait. The weight suddenly packed on with rapid speed.

Then New Year’s came along and I decided that five years of letting cancer effect my life was quite long enough. My resolution wasn’t so much to lose weight, but rather to put my life back where it was five years ago, which just happened to also include taking off the weight. In the end, the timing for the challenge couldn’t have been better. A month into it, I unexpectedly got a clean bill of health; it was like all the weight and stress dealing with my health had been lifted off my shoulders, and for the first time in five years I actually had the energy and stamina to get back into shape.

Initially I used the challenge as stress management while I studied for the Bar; you wouldn’t believe how many people didn’t have the endurance for the exam, and spent the months leading up to it completely strung out on caffeine and junk food. After the Bar, the challenge became a distraction. To make things more interesting I started throwing in totally random lessons for things I’ve always wanted to learn: tennis, golf, aikido, and even a surf conditioning class. All of my normal stress and anxiety got channeled elsewhere. Next thing I knew, I got a job, passed the Bar, and suddenly crushed my pre-cancer diagnosis weight. New Year’s resolution was more or less achieved before May.

I had a few hurdles with the challenge; little things, like I don’t particularply like meat and eggs (I’ve gotten over this), I couldn’t afford to work one on one with a trainer, and with my thyroid meds, I can’t take any stimulants/metabolism boosters/ or proper fat burners. Nothing is more depressing than having one of those days where you’re completely exhausted, you get to the gym, and all your friends are hyper pumped off of stimulants. It all made me push myself just that little bit harder to keep up with everyone else.

My favorite day was the day after the second Mt. Trashmore challenge; that night everything clicked. Bill and I went for a jog outside. Now I suck at running, I’ve never been a runner, I can sprint and jump, but not really run. Bill paced me at an awkwardly slow speed, and I went from only being able to run for about 3 minutes, to an hour-long jog. Like I said, everything just clicked, and I now wake up every morning and jog around my neighborhood watching the sunrise over the ocean; I can’t imagine a better way to start my day.

I can’t really explain how good it feels to have so much going on your life all at once the way things have for me over the last few months. And then to tie it all together by getting back in shape, crushing my goal weights, and pushing myself to do physical activities I didn’t think I would ever do again, is all overwhelming. I can’t believe I ever resisted joining the challenge, and I want to thank everyone who pushed me into it and through it, all the trainers, Bill, and most of all the whole Great Neck team. You’ve all been awesome!

Dive for a Cure

I did something awesome this weekend (correction... this is more like a month ago now)... I did "Dive for a Cure"... Now, I know by this point everyone and their mother has some sort of race or marathon to raise money for this that and the other thing... this was soo much cooler. Dive for a Cure is Scuba diving to raise money for cancer research and things. Diver's are a special breed of people. We have more fun I think. For races for cures... there's a race... prizes, maybe some food and beer. When you dive for a cure... there's guys staying underwater for 24 hours... there's relay teams diving for 24 hours, there's a silent auction, karaoke, kegs, a beer pong tournament, cornhole tournament, black jack tournament, a dunk tank, dog training, a date auction, face painting... and the list goes on and on and on.

Seeing as I don't know a whole lot of people here, I decided to go ahead and volunteer for the event. I meandered around, met people, and sat underwater for like two hours watching really hot navy divers wrestle each other underwater. Then the next day, I brought my mom, and took her diving for her very first time. Super ridiculously awesome, and possibly one of the best cancer fundraisers i've ever been to.

Insurance Vent

They've increased my insurance by $150 a month... It now costs me about $750 to be insured... and they don't even pay my meds.

Sigh... the reality is, to get out of my house and be independent I'm going to have to quit the job I like and feel good about, and go sell my soul to the highest bidder w/ benefits. :(

And a Drum Roll Please...

I PASSED THE BAR!!!! I'm officially a lawyer now.

On a related note, I also picked up a job. I'm now working at a small firm doing loan modifications and stopping foreclosures on homes. Pay sucks and there are no hours, but I couldn't have asked for a better group to work with, learn as much, and still feel good about myself at the end of the day.

My life rocks my socks right now... hope it lasts for a while.

Dear Thyroid: Thyeulogy

Way way way back in February when I found out I was cancer free, I wrote a new letter to Dear Thyroid, which I have called my Thyeulogy.

They posted it back at the end of March, but it became one of the million things I never finished my blog post for. So just in case you haven't read it, here's the link: Thyeulogy

Yoga Bear and the Yoga Challenge

Over the past month I've written about half of 5 different blog posts. Many of which were time sensitive and I failed miserably at finishing and publishing them when I needed to. I've been busy running around, having a life, etc. All of which I hope to update you on over the next few posts. But first I'm going to start with yet another time sensitive one.

Today I want to talk to you all about Yoga Bear. YB is a non-profit organization that tries to provide free yoga classes to individuals with cancer. For many of us out there, living healthier lives is a major part of how cancer impacts us. A lot of people find yoga to be a truly soothing stress reliever, and a gentle way to get back into shape.

I am not a diligent yogi. I'm a little too ADD to properly meditate and commune with the world... but I do love yoga. I'm super bendy-flexy, despite my size... though I have zero balance. And on days where I'm particularly tired, or need to get my body moving, but w/o a hardcore workout, I turn to yoga.

YB works to provide a valuable service to we cancer survivors, and at a minimum I would recommend you check out their blog.

Right now... starting today in fact, they are doing a 12 day Yoga Challenge. Each day they post a new yoga move via video and ask that you comment on it. For each day you comment you earn a chance to win a free yoga for breast cancer dvd, and if you comment every day, you win a free pass to Yogapalooza, which is in June, and being held in a handful of major cities throughout the US. Here is a link to day 1 of the challenge... Day 1

I'm doing the challenge because it's something different and I think I would enjoy Yogapalooza, even if I'm not the best yogi.

Yoga Bear was actually one of the very first cancer organizations I joined. While I haven't actually been able to benefit from the free yoga classes yet, I've enjoyed talking to new people, and checking out all the other little things they do!

I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!

Ok, I can't believe I'm doing this but I am pulling all of my social networking cred to ask everyone out there to spend 1 minute of their time to vote for me for a competition called Host Our Cost.

Vote for me here--> Host Our Coast

The competition is this: spend the summer backpacking the Delmarva Peninsula Blogging about it. You get $15,000 and free room and board, and you have to go out and do all sorts of activities and explore towns and check out the wild life, etc.

I was in fact made for exactly this type of job.

I assume if you are reading this, you're probably a regular, so you most likely know I'm not half bad when it comes to writing. I would also hope that you've perused my blog and found links to my travel blogs over on the left hand side: Hamburgers and Vodka, and Chasing Tigers.

I really do love to travel and blog. If I thought that I could realistically afford my life while doing it, I think I would... (also if I thought my parents wouldn't kill me w/ the whole law school thing).

For the competition, we had to submit minute long videos about why we want to be hosts... plus a sample blog.

From you all, I ask that you click the link and vote for my video... and also, if you happen to have blogs of your own, if you would be willing to post the link there as well.

I'm not a communications or journalism major. I've taught myself how to do html script and video editing, so I'm a bit behind there... and you all are really my major internet social networking group.

It's something I know I can do, and do awesomely. So I really hope you all take a few minutes of your time and vote for me... --->here

Thanks!
-robs

PS... if you at least watch the video, you'll get your very first glimpses of me and how incredibly corny and awkward I am in real life... that in and of itself should be motivation to at least go watch the video

My Introduction to Cancer and Relationships

So, I’ve been looking over my posts over the last year or so (can’t believe I’ve been posting for over a year), and I’ve started to notice that I tend to only talk about my immediate reactions to what I’m dealing with at that moment. I am an emo blogger… a part of me just died. Granted, this is sort of the whole purpose of the blog: something to keep me from bottling up everything making me a walking time bomb. But, there’s 4 years worth of cancer life that I lived before I joined the blogosphere. I’ve mentioned a few topics, usually directly concerning what I was doing with my cancer, but never really going too much into the little stories and details that have sort of built up around my cancer world.

I’ve slowly been reading through Everything Changes, and by slowly I mean I get through as many pages as possible before feeling a sudden urge to just ball my eyes out, at which point I have to stop. Books make me cry, more so than any other medium I’ve come across. Anywho, with each new chapter a new memory has gotten triggered. A lot of stuff I just haven’t thought about. A lot of stuff I just didn’t have words for. A lot of stuff that is so mundanely obscure, (ie. The chocolate cake story… yet to be written) that I’m surprised it’s logged itself into my meory at all. (I wonder if this is how people feel reading what I've written) And so I thought, maybe I should actually start writing down some of these stories. The small ones that seem almost meaningless; the large ones that somehow managed to shape my world.

I’ve chosen to start with a larger one. A topic, that surprisingly enough I’ve managed to avoid like the plague throughout writing this blog, despite the fact that in the real world it’s probably one of my most mind consuming issues. I am of course talking about dating and relationships.

I’m guessing w/ the title of this post that seemed a lot less like a big build-up. I really wish you all could hear exactly how these things go on in my head… I think it would be about 95% more amusing that way.

So on with the topic. I’m guessing if you’ve read through my blog, there’s a few things you’ve probably picked up on when it comes to my interpersonal relationships, and my less than shiny happy demeanor towards them… this of course overflows into my dating life, and is then magnified exponentially. I have a hard time trusting people. I don’t like the idea of needing anyone. And I don’t like being a burden. And there hasn’t been a whole lot of supporting evidence in the last 5 years that maybe I’ve been overreacting.

Be prepared, I’m about to tell you about pre-cancer robs. I started dating this boy when I was 18. I’m gonna gloss over a lot of details, and acknowledge there are some dimensions to this relationship that I’m leaving out all together, no point in dissecting everything. I lived in Pittsburgh, he lived in Norfolk, he was a family friend. Nice kid. Um… exceedingly nice kid. And we dated for about 2 ½ years. Then one day (well not really one day, it had been something I had been planning for years, and told him about before hand) I decided to go study abroad. To compound on this, I also got an internship with the State Department in the Marshall Islands. Suddenly we were looking at 7 months apart w/ 1 week in the middle, where I would be home, which happened to fall on my 21^st b-day. Needless to say, this didn’t go over so well, and at some point in March, while I was off trekking around Europe, we broke-up, more or less. I don’t think you can just drop something like that, not after 2 ½ years… at least that’s what I thought.

It took over half a year for us to have some final spats, before we weren’t always in each other’s life and start moving on. Two months later I had cancer. Telling people was hard; telling those closest to me harder; telling the person who had been my best friend and center of my universe for the last three years, impossible. I couldn’t do it. He had broken my heart, and I was just getting back to a point where I had moved on and we were friends. I needed to not need him. But, in lot of ways I did need him. I needed to be loved, and held, and have someone else be strong. I needed the person that new me backwards, forwards, inside and out. I hadn’t dealt with anything bad in my life alone in years. Who else in the world would have a better idea how to handle and support me? But I chose not to drag him back into it.

It was my mom that told him in the end. Which makes sense… he was my step-dads fraternity brother (much younger), they were friends, he was practically their adopted son. I got an IM. “I heard you were sick. I’m sorry”

That was the response from my best friend. No, “hey do you need anything.” No phone call to see if I was ok, what was going to happen or anything. No indication that he cared. He met his obligation of acknowledging he heard I was sick. Maybe yeah, we had drifted over the last couple months. And yes, I let a bit of my pride get in the way of automatically turning him when I found out I was sick… but like I said, center of my universe for the last few years. I know for sure if anything had happened to him, and I found out, I probably would have dropped my life and been down there in a heartbeat.

I wasn’t at my computer. We never spoke again.

Not really at least. We see each other at parties. There’s the occasional word or two. I don’t think I have ever felt such wrath towards anyone else in the world.

Like I said earlier, this is a really genuinely nice guy. The drama between us is usually contributed to my doing. I’ve kept my mouth shut. Except for once. Very drunkenly after a party I told one of the other frat-brothers; said the reason I didn’t talk to the kid anymore, not even as friends, was because he wasn’t there for me when I got sick. He had the expected reaction, disgust and disappointment. I briefly felt justified. Someone understood why I was angry.

I've done a lot of wondering what would have happened if I hadn't had cancer. He’s married now, has a kid... and there is a small part of me, until recently, that would scream out, "THATS SUPPOSED TO BE ME AND MY LIFE!" We didn't break up because we didn't love each other, we did it more because we did. And as I was getting ready to graduate, it seemed pretty reasonable that I could move home, and our situation could change to a point where we could actually be together. But then I got cancer.

Mom and I talked about it a couple weeks ago. The subject of my lack of dating comes up a lot these days. And she just said that he wouldn’t of been able to handle it. If we had stayed together, me having cancer would have destroyed him.

Why do other people get sort of a pass for not being able to handle cancer? I wish I could get a pass. “Cancer would destroy Robin. She should just not have to deal with it.” I wanna opt out of a relationship w/ my cancer self.

I’m not really angry any more. That was part of the strange part of writing this post. Trying to portray how I really felt when things were going on. A lot has happened. I don't even think that's really the life I wanted anymore. Even then I questioned the whole settling down so young life. And I look at him now, and its like looking at an acquaintance; he knows nothing about me, doesn't have a clue about how cancer has changed me. I wonder if he looks at me now and thinks I'm the same person. As for me, I vaguely remember this one time in my life, where for a couple of years I wasn’t alone. And that’s about it memory wise.

And that was my crash course introduction to relationships and cancer.

The Price of Staying on Top of my Health

$839

I'm not going to get into a debate on the cost of health care here. I'm just going to make some very basic statements of fact about that number you are looking at up there. I am lucky; I pay an arm and a leg every month, and the occasional promise of a first born child to keep me insured. One month of health coverage costs more than one month of my last rent. And being that I'm lucky, that number up there got knocked down to $113.85.

Now what is this number for? Is it for a doctors visit... no. It's for the basic blood work I am supposed to do every 6 months for the rest of my life to stay on top of my health. Now I admit, I added on two things I wanted checked. Why? Because I'm an informed thyroid cancer patient, and I know that there are certain thins docs don't regularly look at, but if they are off can really screw with you. First, I asked for a Free T-3... $184... I know that the T-3 debate rages on from health professionals to patients alike. I was just curious. And there has been enough talk about it that I figured I should get it tested, and if it was really low, then I could really make a decision about a t-3 supplement. The second, and probably more normal thing I asked to have tested was my Vitamin D. I mean... its winter... thyca people tend to have Vitamin D issues. I was a little itty bitty bit lower than my doctor wanted me the last time.... $221. Oh and my doc threw in a CBC just to make sure my white blood cells were ok.

So all these "extra" tests that we get told we should do, and that we do just to stay on top of things... well they sort of like to rape our wallets. Even the reduced $113 still hits hard when you know you're doing that at least twice a year. I may have to make my testing decisions based on costs for now on. There's a part of me that just died while making that statement.

Death by Lettuce Beginnings

Another quite ancient post that I found deep in the recesses of my hard drive. This is from August/Septemberish 2007 I think. A lot of this is probably gonna sound pretty familiar, particularly the last paragraph. But really, I wrote it all a year before I even thought of starting this blog. This was actually meant to be the start of my book that never quite panned out...

As I stood in the Ballroom of the Student Union, I looked across the faces of the 230 plus people who had decided to attend the conference. After three years I still managed to be the youngest person in the crowd. It was about three years ago this November or October… funny, I don’t really remember the exact date… that I was getting my yearly check up and my doctor felt my neck, turned to me and said, “You know you have an enlarged thyroid, right?” This single phrase has more or less turned my world upside down and inside out. That lump turned out to be thyroid cancer. I was only 21; a senior in college. Dreams of joining Ameri-corps for a year followed up with law school in D.C. It’s surprising how fast things can change; but I’m getting ahead of myself.

I almost wanted to start this next paragraph with, “The fact is someone should have figured this out earlier.” But I’m aiming not to put blame on any person because that’s really just silly, and there isn’t any clear evidence that the thyroid cancer had anything to do with other issues I was having. But there were some indications something was wrong... I first gained 30 pounds during the second semester of my senior year of high school, odd mainly because I was an athlete. I gained another 30 pounds over three months during my sophomore year of college. The following summer, unable to really drop the weight and being fairly frustrated by it I had blood tests run. Everything came back normal. That was August, and like I said the lump was discovered around October/November.

I don’t think people like to have me at support group meetings, or in cancer survival conferences. Its not that I’m not likeable, it’s more that I’m young, and they expect me to say something positive. But instead I tend to turn out to be an embodiment of everyone’s worst nightmares. Granted I fully recognize compared to many other cases I’m living a blessed life. I am lucky that it hasn’t spread to my lungs and bones. I am lucky I am young enough to bounce back from radiation fairly quickly. I am lucky because I am more or less positive that I’m not going to die of cancer at any point in the near future.

Next Friday I’m getting another ultrasound of my neck. It hasn’t even been 6 months since the last one. In all honesty it is the one part of this that scares me the most. At least the FNA (fine needle aspiration) is. The first time, they had me facing the screen and I watched in horror as the needle moved back and forth in my neck, and the doctors remarked how it was the biggest that they had ever seen. Last January I went in for one because I had felt a new lump in my neck. While it turned out to be nothing, sitting in that waiting room for the first real time, I lost my faith in God. It wasn’t that I was scared, which I was, to the point where I was doing nothing but praying in the waiting room. But I looked over at a family at a table. There was a young girl there who clearly had severe Down syndrome. But even worse than that was that she also clearly was there to get another round of chemo therapy. And the family looked tired and unnaturally old, and the girl looked innocent and ignorant of what she was going through.

Originally, Death by Lettuce was going to be a book; one of those inspirational tales told by a cancer survivor which instills hope in every other person with thyroid cancer. Its spine would be pink and the title would be in a hand written font. There would be a cartoon lettuce with sharp pointy teeth about to eat a little curly haired cartoon character of myself. It would be something Oprah would pick up, and I would go on her show and become a model poster child for thyroid cancer awareness. But books about survival tend to have a message, special survival tips, great words of wisdom and lessons learned, or at least some sort of happy ending. I’m afraid my book would end up reading more like a Steinbeck novel.

Random Thyca Tip #1

Bacon

After radiation when my taste buds went psycho, and I was convinced I would never taste food again... I could still taste bacon. I survived off of BLT's

Locks of Love

Ok, so talk about my inability to follow through on something.

That picture you are looking at up there, that's my hair. My long, gorgeous straight hair. In case you didn't already know, I have an overwhelming love hate relationship w/ my hair. Naturally, it is a fluffy curly mass. Its super thick, and super annoying. When it looks good, its my best feature. When its unhappy with me... well... yeah.

A couple of years ago I chemically straightened it. Best thing ever. Loved it. Got back to the states, price is 4x as much here, and they didn't do it as well. After two years, I've decided I can't afford to keep straitening my hair, and just need to let it go back to being a wild beast. This is not an easy task, and requires uber amounts of patience.

One major step towards this end, was cutting it all off. I had been planning the big cut for about 5 months. I measured my hair regularly. Tried to imagine what I would look like with short hair. Contemplated whether or not I could handle the regrowth of curly hair without the weight of the long hair pulling it down.

The only thing I didn't debate about was donating it. Mom thought I was going to chicken out and just get a few inches off. I stuck to my guns, off came the 10 inches. *on a side note, I balled my eyes out for weeks getting used to the fact a lopped off all of my hair... which might explain why the ponytail has been sitting in a drawer now for over a year. So I figured I would make the post, and say my final goodbye, and hope there is a child out there that will love my hair even more than I do.

I think Locks of Love is one of my favorite organizations. I'm a big softy when it comes to kids. And I know the value hair has with a persons identity. And its something I could do without paying an arm and a leg. I always thought it was just for cancer kids, but most of them lost their hair due to alopecia areata, which tends to be a little more permanent than chemo hair loss.

There are so many organizations that raise money and are so focused on fund-raising, that they don't seem to realize the people they tend to ask for money from, or that would be most willing to donate, are those of us who probably need it, or have too many other expenses.

A random tidbit you might not know. If you have shorter hair, or there is shorter hair in your pony tail, or even if you have grey hair, you can still donate it. LoL actually sells that hair to pay for the manufacturing of wigs. The only thing they can't use is bleached hair b/c it reacts badly w/ certain chemicals. But even my chemically straightened hair, or dyed hair can still be used.

So if you are looking for a way to contribute, and money is tight, take a look in the mirror and see if its time for a new hair cut.

On a totally different random freak out note... I take the bar tomorrow.

5 Year Cancerversary

Today is my 5 year cancerversary.

I can't believe I'm only 26, but have already had cancer for 5 years.

February 16 also tends to be my least favorite day of the year... in fact over the past few years February in general has just been sort of a shit month. With lowered expectations for the month of February, I don't think you can imagine exactly how overwhelming the awesomeness of this February has been.

But that's not what I want to talk about in this post.

5 is a nice number. Sort of a mile point on how we measure our lives... looking back in 5 year increments. So this is 5 years in review... more for my benefit than anything else... because sometimes you need to know what you've accomplished, even with cancer... and these are totally arbitrary things that stick out in my mind... remember, I'm a travel junkie so that tends to stick out in my mind most as an accomplishment.

Feb. 16, 2005: Got into my first law school, told my results were "suspicious" and had the first of many multiple hour conversations with a boy I didn't really date for over a year (a story for another post).

year 1: Graduated from college, went to mexico a week or so after radiation, climbed a pyramid (dumb idea) went night diving (dumber idea, was stung by sea urchin, abandoned by dive body, attacked by little orange fish and floated in darkness for 20 minutes while the boat tried to find me). Worked w/ handicapped kids over the summer, moved in to my first apartment on my own, Started lawschool, started a law school volleyball team...

Year 2: jumped out of an airplane, (I don't remember this summer), Started grad school, ran a public interest auction, worked at a non-profit immigration firm... helped refugees and family's get in, and got a boy medical care.

year 3: backpacked vietnam, laos, thailand, malaysia, singapore; worked in cambodia, started a space law moot court, help set up a mediation organization as vice president, treasurer, international law society, worked as a district attorney

Year 4: worked in hamburg, germany... backpacked: france, germany, sweden, denmark, poland, russia, luxembourg, Did an international moot court in Canada, organized mediation training for lawyers; started blogging

Year 5: Started and won a mediation competition, graduated from both law and grad school. Won community service award, and Order of Barristers, took a 1912 mile road trip zigzagging through VA and PA, Saw amish country, hit up 2 ren fairs, trip to New York City; asked to guest blog on various sites, developed and taught street health and human rights course to at risk youth, teaching handi-capped swim lessons, peace corps nomination and of course, clean bill of health.

Not too bad from my perspective. Not exactly what I think most normal mid-20 year olds tend to do, but normal was never exactly my thing.

So here I am 5 years later and there's a few things I've noticed lately, the main one being that I seem to be doing all things possible to regain who I was 5 years ago. I sort of want to put myself back where I was when I was 21. I'm back to wanting to go save the world. I'm working to be back at my pre-cancer weight. Recently cut off what was left of my straight hair, so i'm back to having a super curly afro. I realize how superficial that might all sound, but its a big deal. I'm not fighting how cancer has changed my life, I'm just back to being settled in a way, and looking to picking things back up where I feel like I left off... though if it starts to sound like I'm drinking and partying as much as I did at 20/21, someone should probably step in.

And that's where I am here on this 5 year cancerversary.

Holy Crap, I'm a Survivor!

Blood work results are in. My meds are a tad too high, but everything else is undetectable.

Combine that with nothing showed up on the ultrasound...

In other words, its official.

Just 5 days shy of my 5 year cancerversary...

I am cancer free!

Cancer v. Nanobubbles

So I'm a big sci-fi dork, and find the idea of nanobots battling cancer full of cheesy sci-fi movie potential, while also being awesome. I do realize the article says nothing about nanobots, but rather nano particles... but for sci-fi purposes, it would be nanobots... But still, nanoparticles and lasers sound like something from a book. Particularly interesting is how they can target specific individual cells and can make them larger, and has been used in head and neck. I don't know about you, but for someone that deals w/ thyca, this could be huge. I mean, think about it... instead of using I-131 to eradicate leftover cells after surgery, using these little buggers instead? An end to potentially positive tests but where things are too small to biops to be sure. Maybe I'm jumping the gun a little bit here, but there seems to be sooooo much potential. Interested to see where it goes next

Nanobubbles: A New Weapon in the Fight Against Cancer?