Repetition, Recognition, and Limitations

Part of being a cancer patient, especially with a lot of recurrence, you get sort of used to doing things again, and again, and again, and again. Tests, exams, blood work, doctor appointments, arguing w/ the insurance company, surgeries, radiation, hearing bad news, hearing decent news, hearing hopeful news, repeating said news to family, figuring out the best way to repeat news to friends. Stop. Repeat.

Maybe that's why repeating other life events just seems... natural... to me now. I'm repeating the Bar exam, I'm repeating my job search... I've been comparing my life to limbo a lot, but now that I think about it... it's a lot more like repeat. Now I'm sure it can't stay like this... but for right now, I'm getting to so everything again.

While I started Bar prep classes again yesterday... its actually the job interview I had yesterday that sort of set off this particular post. I wasn't planning on applying for any jobs right now. My classes are at night, the Bar is at the end of February. Obviously, I'm going to spend most every waking minute cramming. So the idea of working isn't particularly high on my list of objectives right now. But then a friend of mine said someone told him about a position working for a congressman, and he wanted to pass my resume along, and it just sounded really cool. And so, I took on my 7th ( I think) interview.

I mean it had it's downfalls... no pay... a year long commitment... really bad pay. But it was a step in the door for something I would be interested in doing. So I went to the interview, she liked me, said I was way overqualified for the job, then asked if I really thought I could juggle studying for the bar and working full time. A recent lawyer herself... I had to be honest... as much as I wanted the job it meant risking another failure, and she understood completely. I would basically be a glorified secretary for a year... it was a step forward but a massive leap back. She also knew that it would be a buffer position for me. Something I would just want to do to fill in until I got my license. She basically said all the things I've considered when looking for in between jobs. And once we got that out in the air, we just chatted like new friends comparing our lives and just... talking.

Mom, in her ever supportive role, reacted by telling me how she worked full time, while raising me, pulling 16 credits, and a 3.8 GPA and still found time to study somewhere in between. I hate, hate, hate, hate, when she compares her life to mine. I appreciate that it was hard for her... I was there... There's about 50 million perfectly true responses I could make to her but choose not to. And even now, it sounds a little too contemptuous to write out. So I'm just going to say I know it was hard for her... but it was a significantly different situation. She went on to even be like, "I wonder if I was a good mother then," and "I wonder how we kept it together then." My response was, " I wasn't a heathen wild teenager." Which basically meant I took care of myself, the house, and kept things working. It wasn't particularly hard... sort of just came naturally to be very prudent and responsible because I could easily see things going all to hell if I wasn't. A remarkably common theme when looking at how I've dealt with the whole cancer bit.

Sorry, I'm sort of pointlessly rambling here. Basically I just don't think she ever looked at the things I was doing to keep things going. Just like now she doesn't look at what I'm dealing with; she only knows how to see what she's doing or has done.

So... I don't want to say I didn't get the job. I think if I had committed she would have taken me in a heartbeat... But I was honest. I was actually honest about what I thought my limitations were. A first for me. And so we agreed that come March, when I'm done w/ the Bar, I'm to give her a call and see if anything is open.

I think for the first time in my life I am afraid to see where my limitations actually are. I've spent a lot of time pushing myself to the limits. Taking on too much work. Trying to do too much in life. And it's been absolutely fantastic. But I'm afraid that right now, if I push it and cross the line... I'll be stuck here forever. This is new to me. Even before cancer, I tried to push what I could handle (of course in a responsible and prudent over-achiever manner... not a crazy partier sense). Threats to my physical life sort of magnified that attitude. But now... its my long-term life that's threatened.

Am I growing up? Am I just growing tired? Is this just a phase? I don't know... but I know its what I need to do.

Post-Interview debriefing

I wasn't going to post again, but I had to.

The interview was fantastic, really,... and all I want to do is go home, curl up in a ball, and cry.

How f*kd up is that?

There was a panel of 8 people. It was kind of like a Chinese fire drill meets Monty Python's Spanish inquisition. They questioned my travels, why I was interested in defense work, etc. Poked fun at me for knowing the cops in the city. Sold me on how awesome working there would be, and how great of an experience it is. Then as I left the berated me with information and tips for passing the Bar. I don't remember the last time I slipped so easily into stride w/ a group of people. But they are basically all my friends transposed into new bodies. People interested in public interest work aren't your usual lawyers. They were all in late 20's early 30's (more or less). I was comfortable, and could see being happy, though poor, there.

So, why am I sitting in a library choking back the urge to cry?

First thought, what if I don't get the job? That would suck. I almost didn't want to like the interview so that if I didn't get the job I wouldn't be disappointed.

Second thought, if I got it, would I be settling? Its a safe job. Near home, could commute if I really wanted to save some cash. Its a very relaxed job (sort of)... would I get too comfortable doing something that comes easy to me? Is the safe job the way to go? Safe, reasonable, prudent, practical... always the way I deal with things.

Am I giving up on an international job search? Is practicality winning out?

What is it that I even want anymore? When did I stop aiming for my dreams, and instead started looking for things that were safe and practical?

I don't know.

Strategizing for a job interview when you have cancer

I'm taking a mini-break from my endless bar prep, to stress for tomorrow's upcoming event. A job interview.

I feel like this is one of the biggest areas where young adult cancer survivors are more or less totally screwed. My doctor never gave me any advice or pamphlets on how to handle getting your first real job. There are discrimination laws and things, but really, from a practical standpoint how much do they really help?

From a rational employer's perspective, I wouldn't want to hire someone with cancer. Especially someone still getting treatments, or with positive cancer markers. I wouldn't want an employee who needed to take off every few months for tests; who has a consistent history of having to have surgeries and radiation. They may be great candidates, but really... why would I want to hire someone like that? And even more so, why hire someone like that who is just starting out? Who has no real experience? I mean, back in the day people w/ disabilities did great things all the time, in today's world, do you really think FDR in his wheelchair could be president, or Churchill and his alcoholism?

So this is the laundry list of things I've replayed a dozen or so million times in my head when it comes to interviews.

1. Do I hide the fact I have cancer, simply neglect to point it out, or sort of throw it right up front in the lime light?

I throw it right on my resume. Granted its at the bottom, and it's subtle, but I write on there that I am a member of Thyca: the Thyroid Cancer Survivor Association. I do this for a handful of reasons, but mainly b/c I've decided, if an employer looks at that and decides not to hire me, well then I don't really want to work for them anyways. For the others, I look to use it as a talking point in interviews. Let me tell you about how I've been fighting cancer while at the same time completing both law and grad school at the same time.

I've found, a lot more people are touched by thyroid cancer than you would think. Or it can be a way to relate to people. If I can turn it into a strength and not a weakness.

2. I can't hide my scar

I have about a 6 inch scare that runs across the center of my neck. Most people don't notice b/c its so big. I find interviewers are judging you in every way, especially how you look and present yourself. I've had one person look at my resume and then tell me they see my scar. It threw me off, and it sort of shook me up. I think I can deal with that now. Human curiosity looks for these things.

3. I have gaps and hiccups in my resume

For all of the awesome things that I have done while dealing with cancer, the unfortunate fact is, being sick has had it's costs as far as my professional life goes. 1st thing that a prospective employer will notice is that my GPA is low. My first year of law school, I was in and out of testing, had 2 surgeries, recurrance, a paralyzed vocal cord, and started hypo hell during finals. If i could have, I would have taken the year off. I get so angry at myself when I blame cancer for my grades; but since first year i believe i've pulled a 3.7 GPA between the two schools. So about a 3.5, 3.6 in law school. I have no idea how to tell that to someone. I did once, during an interview for a research assistant position, but I was comfortable with him, and everyone in law school talks. But he asked me how on earth I could get a 2.4 one year and then the next semester a 3.9.

2nd thing they notice, is that on my list of activities, I was never on a legal journal. In case you haven't noticed already, I like to write. I'm confident enough to say that I'm pretty good at it. And I love doing research. If you don't make it onto a journal your first year via your grades, then you are able to write-on at the end of each year. Well... first year=neck dissection, second= low iodine diet/radiation, third= dossimetry. This is the first spring where I didn't go into finals either going hypo, or pumped full of thyrogen. So, sitting and writing under those conditions. I could have done it. Maybe I was just lazy. At least thats how it looks on a resume.

3rd thing they notice is that I didn't work the summer after my first year. Again, neck dissection and radiation. I was out. I don't remember that summer. It still totally freaks me out.

And 4th, I didn't work at a firm. I chose far more awesome, less practical jobs. And I went where they offered me money too. I worked in Cambodia and Germany. Anyone can work in a firm; I actually like living my life.

4. So you're in remission, right?

This question blows. It's automatically assumed if I've got hair, 2 degrees, and am in an interview, clearly I must be in remission. Nevermind, that technically, they can't ask me that. Not legally, but what lawyers ever pay attention to that. I mention the hair thing b/c its assumed that cancer=chemo=no hair, remission=hair. But my irritation isn't why I dislike the question. The answer is.

I'm not exactly in remission. I'm in freak limbo. I don't want to lie. I don't want to go into the long drawn out explanation of why it doesn't matter. What it comes down to is that they want to know if I'm functional enough to work. Which I am. No matter what their preconceived notion of what having cancer means. But its also true I'll need time off to do testing. I'm not in the clear, technically. Most jobs you can glaze over this fact. I of course want to work for the government, or other physically demanding jobs, that require background checks and medical reports. *If you are someone performing a check on me, I am perfectly functional for working in any condition... my doctor said so!

So on top of the normal stress of graduating and trying to find my first job; trying to find a job in one of the worst economic crisis to hit the US in a while; the first to hit the lawyer job market; and not to mention just normal interview jitters, I'm consumed by trying to figure out how to give explanations about my past, and be convincing that I don't really have issues that would be detrimental in the future. I feel like it requires a certain level of self confidence and certainty that I'm afraid I just haven't been feeling lately.

Oh, and I could really, really, really, use something big to go my way right now.