Identity Crisis

Who am I if I'm not a cancer patient? But nor am I really a cancer survivor. I am not officially a lawyer, nor am I a law student... or a student in general... and i've been one of those since I was 3/4ish... I seem to be missing all the things that tend to define me as a person. I remember when i was a volleyball player, and athlete, a nerd. Labels were easy in high school.

But now I sit here at 26 in place that I have identified as limbo. A state of flux, where I lack any definition. 6 months ago when I had a million things to write about thyca, I was a cancer patient. I had definition. Even if it involved the "wait and watch" approach to treatment. At that point someone was watching. Now, 6 months late... I can't tell you the last time I went to a doctor for thyca. I know, I know... stupid on my part... but I scheduled an appointment for a doctor down here, and the next appointment available is in February... I scheduled this some time in october. So no one has been watching me, checking me, keeping it fresh in my mind that i have cancer.

I know most of you out there may think... wow... what a blessing not having cancer thrown in your face every other month. But what if that's something you're used to, something you've been dealing with for 5 years. I've made major life decisions based on this stuff. It has shaped who I am. There is no denying that. Even just shifting to "wait and watch" was a bit of a blow to the identity ego. When people ask if your in remission... I think I just grumble a bit. No, I'm not a survivor... not really... limbo.

My family, as per usual, don't get it. They don't seem to grasp that I am a special case. That I have special needs... HAHAHA I'm an SNC. Upon leaving my doctor, I asked him if he knew anyone in my area that does thyroid cancer. His response was that he wanted me treated in DC and gave me 2 names... the other option was to be treated at a medical research facility. Anyone who is up to date on how you treat a case like mine... w/ lots of recurrence, lots of radiation, lots of tests, lots to look for, and all very small. His fear, that a local yocal is going to look at my tests and determine i need to be fried by another round of radiation; that they can't accept the "watch and wait" approach. A part of me agrees w/ the not waiting... the paranoid part, the rest of me though... agrees w/ my doc. I've read the science... I'm pretty good at understanding things... I'm probably immune to the radiation at this point... and i've had a hell of a lot of it.

By now i was hoping to be living in DC. Hasn't happened... so, on pressure from the 'rents, I've made an appointment w/ a local yocal... the only doctor in the area that does thyroid cancer from what i can tell. And by area I mean the 7 cities. I can't even shop for a doc here. And again, I have to wait to February just to meet the guy.

So I talked to my parents about using the doc up in dc. Mom's response, "well what if they find something; I can't take off work nor afford to go up there and stay in a hotel. I know you want the best, but that isn't really practical."... Wow... my response, "i would have no problems using a local guy if all he was doing was checking my bloodwork... if there were nothing there"... mom, "but your fine"... "no mom, i have something in my neck" ... "have you felt something, are you worried about it, or are you just being paranoid"... "No, we already know that I have something in my neck, I told you this months ago... you cried, i lit up an mri, bloodwork was all positive, i need more than basic tests".... oh... proceeded to tell my dad how i felt. He agreed with me. Till he talked to my mom. The conclusion relayed back to me was, "we can always change to a different doctor if something shows up." Apparently it completely is going over their heads that something has shown up, almost a year ago... soooo annoying.

So basically, they're saying they can't afford to take care of me in dc if something is wrong, and I'm saying that something is already not quite right and if it gets worse i sure as hell don't want someone down here poking and radiating me. And they have no idea that still have stuff going on... its like b/c i moved I'm done and in the clear.

So I guess that's more of a case of mistaken identity.

Any which way I look at it, its all a part of a larger identity crisis. I don't really know who I am or what I'm supposed to be doing anymore. I don't want to wrap my world around cancer, its even why i backed off from the blog... but I don't know what else there is for me; especially if in a few months i have to go back to being the cancer patient. There's no way to move on like this.

Giving Young Adult Cancer the Bird

In case you haven't picked it up already, I'm not really a big fan of cancer, and don't really have any problem with being angry at it, or being disgruntled, or being a smart ass when it comes to dealing with it. Its like all the rebelling I didn't do as a teenager was really just waiting for the opportunity to rage against the cancer machine, or something like that. (Okay, if you met me, you'd probably find me to be one of the most passive and mellow people ever, unless I'm writing... I'm even really quiet and sort of shy). But all that is besides the point; i[2]y has just came out with a new a new campaign that's all about giving young adult cancer the bird.

Basically, they are selling traditional advocacy wristbands at Spencers, and on facebook they are trying to get 10,000,000 million strong to give young adult cancer the bird. They are also collecting pictures of people giving cancer the bird.

This kind of leads into a look into two seized upon methods of advocacy that are pretty popular: facebook pages and wrist bands.

Now, a lot of people are like oh whats the point. I mean, yeah the bracelets do make some money; but really whats the purpose of the group, not like they are out doing a cancer walk or anything like that, right? But it is like that. Even if people just sign up to have their name on something. Even if you don't go out and buy a bracelet. I like it b/c well... I'm angry about having cancer. I'm not a super rebel, but its kind of fun, kind of relieving to be able to just publically announce how you feel. I also think that its something that's just extreme enough in title, that people will click and read what the group is about.

70,000 15-39 year olds. 30 years w/out a change in cancer rate. Yeah, we have damn good reason to be pissed off.

So do names on a list, just general members of a group make a difference? I think it depends. It makes a difference to me when I see the group, I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who hate cancer, and it has 1,160,649 members... I mean how cool is that... And it prompts conversation and networking. Whatever the effect, I don't think its hurting things.

As for bracelets... I'll be the first to say that I think wrist bands are getting a little out of hand... but I will also say, that as someone with specific interests in certain limited causes, I love having a bracelet, and having people ask me about it, and doing a little more educating. So it's a double edged sword there. I also find that few things are more attractive than when you see a guy sporting his little yellow livestrong bracelet. I don't know. I find it hot. It makes me want to actually talk to that person.


I kind of like this. I think each week I'll try to write about some sort of cancer advocacy or awareness thing that is going on. Let me know if you have any suggestions of things going on. And pass this on!!

On a random side note, I'm doing a lot better today, was even able to actually drive. I like seeing straight and getting my brain to function.

Obsession

After four years of cancer, this is my first year where I'm going into finals week without prepping at the same time for radiation. In a lot of ways, this is the "healthiest" that I have been in four years. But yet for some strange and unknown reason, I've recently become obsessed with all things cancer related. I'm reading a lot of other people's blogs; actually this is a new thing in general, I just randomly started reading blogs regularly about a month ago. I also read websites, peruse merchandise, etc. There's a part of me that wants to throw a stupid cancer happy hour, so that I can actually meet other cancer kids in the area; ironic because I'm leaving in two months.

I think there is a part of me that is so overwhelmingly tired of dealing with everything on my own, that I need to feel connected. And now, with a diagnosis of, positive markers, small new something, but too small to biops, lets just wait six months and see what happens, I feel like I need to be doing something more proactive. This concept alone could spin into a whole new post: the feeling the need to fight and take control of something. But I think I will save that for another time.

So for now, I'm left obsessing. I'm hoping with more free time on my hands to post more. Though I'm not sure what. This also becomes harder, with realizing how many people read, or when another, more famous blogger comments about how you write about the same topics and have the same view on things.
I also don't give this site out to my friends and family. It's sort of ironic in a sense. A place originally intended for me to vent my feelings so I don't bottle them, that no one was supposed to read, and that then turned into sort of a networking device to connect me with others... just not the people I already know and love.

So I guess my questions for the handful of readers out there are these: Do you find there is something that triggers you to obsess with cancer, not so much the disease, but the culture that develops around it? And, do you find it easier to not share all your feeling with your closest people for whatever reason?