Identity Crisis

Who am I if I'm not a cancer patient? But nor am I really a cancer survivor. I am not officially a lawyer, nor am I a law student... or a student in general... and i've been one of those since I was 3/4ish... I seem to be missing all the things that tend to define me as a person. I remember when i was a volleyball player, and athlete, a nerd. Labels were easy in high school.

But now I sit here at 26 in place that I have identified as limbo. A state of flux, where I lack any definition. 6 months ago when I had a million things to write about thyca, I was a cancer patient. I had definition. Even if it involved the "wait and watch" approach to treatment. At that point someone was watching. Now, 6 months late... I can't tell you the last time I went to a doctor for thyca. I know, I know... stupid on my part... but I scheduled an appointment for a doctor down here, and the next appointment available is in February... I scheduled this some time in october. So no one has been watching me, checking me, keeping it fresh in my mind that i have cancer.

I know most of you out there may think... wow... what a blessing not having cancer thrown in your face every other month. But what if that's something you're used to, something you've been dealing with for 5 years. I've made major life decisions based on this stuff. It has shaped who I am. There is no denying that. Even just shifting to "wait and watch" was a bit of a blow to the identity ego. When people ask if your in remission... I think I just grumble a bit. No, I'm not a survivor... not really... limbo.

My family, as per usual, don't get it. They don't seem to grasp that I am a special case. That I have special needs... HAHAHA I'm an SNC. Upon leaving my doctor, I asked him if he knew anyone in my area that does thyroid cancer. His response was that he wanted me treated in DC and gave me 2 names... the other option was to be treated at a medical research facility. Anyone who is up to date on how you treat a case like mine... w/ lots of recurrence, lots of radiation, lots of tests, lots to look for, and all very small. His fear, that a local yocal is going to look at my tests and determine i need to be fried by another round of radiation; that they can't accept the "watch and wait" approach. A part of me agrees w/ the not waiting... the paranoid part, the rest of me though... agrees w/ my doc. I've read the science... I'm pretty good at understanding things... I'm probably immune to the radiation at this point... and i've had a hell of a lot of it.

By now i was hoping to be living in DC. Hasn't happened... so, on pressure from the 'rents, I've made an appointment w/ a local yocal... the only doctor in the area that does thyroid cancer from what i can tell. And by area I mean the 7 cities. I can't even shop for a doc here. And again, I have to wait to February just to meet the guy.

So I talked to my parents about using the doc up in dc. Mom's response, "well what if they find something; I can't take off work nor afford to go up there and stay in a hotel. I know you want the best, but that isn't really practical."... Wow... my response, "i would have no problems using a local guy if all he was doing was checking my bloodwork... if there were nothing there"... mom, "but your fine"... "no mom, i have something in my neck" ... "have you felt something, are you worried about it, or are you just being paranoid"... "No, we already know that I have something in my neck, I told you this months ago... you cried, i lit up an mri, bloodwork was all positive, i need more than basic tests".... oh... proceeded to tell my dad how i felt. He agreed with me. Till he talked to my mom. The conclusion relayed back to me was, "we can always change to a different doctor if something shows up." Apparently it completely is going over their heads that something has shown up, almost a year ago... soooo annoying.

So basically, they're saying they can't afford to take care of me in dc if something is wrong, and I'm saying that something is already not quite right and if it gets worse i sure as hell don't want someone down here poking and radiating me. And they have no idea that still have stuff going on... its like b/c i moved I'm done and in the clear.

So I guess that's more of a case of mistaken identity.

Any which way I look at it, its all a part of a larger identity crisis. I don't really know who I am or what I'm supposed to be doing anymore. I don't want to wrap my world around cancer, its even why i backed off from the blog... but I don't know what else there is for me; especially if in a few months i have to go back to being the cancer patient. There's no way to move on like this.

2 long hours...

"Your case is... interesting." This is the last thing you really want to hear a doctor say to you... ever. But especially not when "you're case" involves 4 years of battling a type of cancer that is supposedly the "best" cancer to have, and the "easiest" to treat. I could really just create a blog dedicated solely to the idiotic things doctors tend to say. I'm almost half sure since I came around they've been forced to change their words just because I've proved to be an exception to almost every rule. But I get ahead of myself here.

It's also not an especially good phrase to say when the patient has been sitting around waiting for over two hours. When the intern comes in and also starts off by saying, "I've been reading through your file..." looks down at the 3 inch folder in front of him then turns to scroll through the computer version, "... it's really complicated,"... stops, winces, he knows that's the wrong thing to say... "its interesting." I hold my tongue from retorting something along the lines of, "well I think its pretty interesting that you are like a 6'7" Asian kid. Lets get sticks and poke each other out of fascination." I've had a bitter week and this is really the last place I want to be.

It does not help that I've been tired... yes I've been tired since May, I think. I also can't breathe, my eye tears up like its the only part of my body willing to outwardly portray how I feel more or less all the time. I'm only here for a check up; to meet my new doctor; to get my blood work done, just like i do every few months... is it 6 or 3 now? I'm never sure. I show up when I can be squeezed in. The doctor I've been seeing for years was offered a better position in San Francisco; I hope in a year to follow her. The nurse who takes care of me, has also changed locations, though just down the road... her missing presence is almost crushing to a person who strives on a certain level of continuity.

Two hours here. Its an endocrine clinic. Emphasizing diabetes and how to take care of that... only a few pamphlets for the thyroid cancer patients. And lets face it... by this point, all I can do is sort of scoff at such things.

This new doctor looks pretty young for how highly recommended he is. There lies double meaning with almost everything he says. "You're case is... interesting." This phrase encompasses about a bagillion meanings. "We have no idea whats wrong," "you defy reason," "we haven't been going about this the right way," "I could write something about you." I'm not surprised... it wouldn't be the first time since this all started that a doctor found me "interesting"... or asked to use me in a lecture... or decided to try something new out on me.

The next double meaning phrase. "We don't every want to do radiation on you again." Music to a bitter angry cancer patient's ears. "We don't think its worth the risk to keep doing something that hasn't worked." Then comes logic and reason rushing down like a thousand raging waves. They haven't even taken my blood and he's already telling me that he doesn't believe the last round of 222 milicuries of radiation has had any effect. He's telling me about how he has a plan, but he's also telling me that I still have cancer. No he keeps reciting stupid key phrases like, you have recurrence but it seems more like this is persistent. I don't even know if he realized right there that he just told me that I've never once in the past 4 years actually beat having cancer. Its one thing for it to keep coming back... but to have never won, not even one battle, when you thought you had... well now, that's devastating. No matter how you gift wrap it-- never do radiation again-- HA... if only such a phrase could really carry with it the sort of optimism it implies.

He said something about having a plan... yeah, i had a plan once too. It involved Americorp, law school, the State Department... living a life in worlds most people would only dream about but I would dare to go. But my dreams get disrupted every morning at 5am when i need to take my little dose of reality. I stuck with law school... more so out of necessity than anything else. Nothing like knowing if you leave school for a break... or even a good old medical leave, you lose your health insurance. So you struggle through it, even when you aren't quite right, when your head and your heart just aren't quite with it.... and you chug on trying to find ways to rework your plan... you accommodate, you bend... you learn to adapt, or just to give up what you want.

And so when you find yourself 4 years later, sitting in the doctors office for 2 hours, hoping that this will be quick and mildly painless. You'll go in, he'll feel your neck, draw blood, and that will be the first step in finally, finally, getting back to having your own life not ruled by a disease you cant see or feel... and then he steps in and with his double meaning phrases pulls you back down to the reality that you've dealt with for far too long.