Friday, October 30, 2009

Over it...

So it quite randomly occurred to me about 5 minutes ago that I am quite done with having cancer. Clearly cancer is a passing fad, and i've been there, done that, and have more "important" issues accumulating on my plate to continue dealing with cancer. *this should have been read with absolute sarcasm in mind

It's been about 5 years since it was brought to my attention I had a lump on my neck. As my mom put it the other day, it seems like my life has stagnated and I have issues with moving on. Apparently so does cancer.---> random robin side rant... i am literally in limbo... i can't get a proper law job till i pass the bar, which is in february, and, I don't know if you have tried looking for a job lately, but it ain't pretty... I'm in disagreement with mother about whether or not I'm choosing to be in my current situation... and whether or not i've put forth any effort and follow-through... sometimes its just easier to let her think what she believes

So now I need to go find myself a new doctor down here, or schedule whatever I need done up in Pittsburgh... B/c the cancer just keeps hanging around like that guy you broke up with who doesn't get the hint, I believe i need to do thyrogen shots, bloodwork, an ultrasound and possible fna, and maybe another mri or pet/ct... they like those. I have delayed in this b/c, well, I've been pretending as hard as I can lately that its not there. I've stopped reading cancer blogs, I've stopped writing. I saw a brief window of opportunity to make it all disappear in my head. Like when i travel and backpack... something may be going on, but if i'm in the middle of a jungle, there's nothing to be done, so i can not worry about it.

And its good...not to worry that is. I've got a lot to worry about in life. I would just really appreciate this to be done. Or to go back and never have it happen. I'm over the cancer fad.

Monday, October 19, 2009

And then to New York...

So, I'm going to New York on Wednesday. I haven't been in ages and ages, and it seems the person I was hoping to meet up there won't be going anymore... so I'm going on my own. I'm going to be staying with my step-dad's family... which is a little odd, as I've never known them outside the presence of my parents... which is actually pretty true for most of my family.

I'm going for the International Law Weekend. A little odd to do now that I'm still not licensed, but a good step in networking, and being a shiny happy person again.

So, I'm there from Wed. morning -Sunday evening, and wondering what on earth I should do when I'm not listening to lectures. I realize this is a silly questions... but really... its new york, I haven't been in years, I have limited time, and I'll be running around by myself... oh, and its my first time there when i'm over 21... I'll be spending all day tomorrow trying to put together an idea of what to do.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

And then there was failure...

So yeah... you may recall that my summer was spent studying for the bar exam.

And then the past month I've tried to get out and enjoy what was left of my summer.

And then on Friday at midnight i got the news that i failed the bar exam.

And I drank with my mom until about 5 in the morning.

Then i cried to my best friend begging her to drive down from pittsburgh b/c for really the first time ever i was cashing in my "i need you here now" chip... which she couldn't do.

And then I yelled via g-talk to my other best friend in Korea. My main point being that for fucks sake after everything i've been through for the last 4 years, I deserved a fucking break. Surely in the great karma scheme of things, i deserved passing the bar exam as a balance to having cancer.

And now I know that I handle all major blows in my life like i handle being told I have cancer. I get pounded. I drink a little. I worry myself sick before the news. Develop multiple back up plans. Play the shiny happy role to my family... b/c god forbid I show how I actually feel or they start going off about how i'm depressed and maybe i need medication etc. etc. etc. Can't cry in front of mom, b/c she'll cry too. Because you know... this happened to her, and she only knows how to make herself feel better about it. And she wants to talk about it like it'll change things. And she had me check my results a million times over in case maybe they put more names on the list. And when I say I don't want to talk about it, she just said she was sorry I didn't want to talk about it and continued to do so.

The hardest bit though, was this morning. They wanted me to go to a breast cancer walk with all of their friends (they being my parents). And I couldn't do it. I was literally paralyzed by the idea of having to see everyone, look at these people that aren't my closest friends... b/c they don't comfort, they would ask questions... what are my plans, what will i do next. False condolences and disappointment. The awkwardness b/c they don't know what to say. Its almost exactly the same as with the cancer.

I tried very much to stop my mom or anyone else from playing up too much what we would do once we found out i passed. I had the same pit in my stomach that i do after a cancer screening that i know i won't like the outcome of. I'm afraid to get excited about things like this. I fear getting my hopes up. Because when it matters the most... it hasn't worked out for me. Not really. Not in 4 years.

I know the bar exam is not the same as cancer testing. But like cancer testing, i can't move forward in my life without passing it. Not really, at least.

And it's also led to the realization that I really have lost the ability to hope for things. I'm too cautious. I naturally just prep for the worst so I can weather it without being entirely crushed.

And that's my life now. And its sad. And I don't know how you fix it.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

How far should we be monitored? #3: Memory

Brain Fog; it's not just a chemo problem.

So many of us out there since losing our thyroids also feel like we're losing our minds. It's awkward to talk about. Who wants to admit that their brain just is not as sharp as it was? I sure don't. But when does it become a real problem? Do we want, or need to know if we have in fact lost a piece of our mind? Or is it really better to just stay in the dark?

So this is my crazy idea. What if before taking out the thyroid, we do memory tests? And then do them once a year or so.

Then, if there is a change, maybe the doctor could recommend vitamins, or brain teasers, or something. Right? Surely it must be better to know everything isn't just in your head?

I'm waving on this one. I hated the feeling of being slower. Actually, losing mental capacity is one of my top fears in life. Especially knowingly losing it. Knowing that I knew or understood something before, but not now. Recognizing that it seems like its more than just getting older. But I'm conflicted on if I wanted the cold hard truth on the matter. Unless I knew something could be done.

Another reason to pay attention to memory is because of how thyroid issues are tied to dementia. I would think that at some point thyroid patients would want to start doing regular checks for that.

I'm going to be vain for a moment, and say that I do in fact have a pretty good brain, all things considered. I feel like it was better. And well, that just sucks, no eloquent way to put it. From an emotional standpoint, I think it would have been better to know beforehand to expect the brain fog. I feel like it would have done me personally, on an emotional level, a lot of good to know, to have a reason, to not just feel like I had made a horrible mistake going to law school. Even my first year, if I had known, I probably could have asked for extended test times and things, when the brain fog was the worse.

And now I'm babbling here. What to you all think?