Repetition, Recognition, and Limitations

Part of being a cancer patient, especially with a lot of recurrence, you get sort of used to doing things again, and again, and again, and again. Tests, exams, blood work, doctor appointments, arguing w/ the insurance company, surgeries, radiation, hearing bad news, hearing decent news, hearing hopeful news, repeating said news to family, figuring out the best way to repeat news to friends. Stop. Repeat.

Maybe that's why repeating other life events just seems... natural... to me now. I'm repeating the Bar exam, I'm repeating my job search... I've been comparing my life to limbo a lot, but now that I think about it... it's a lot more like repeat. Now I'm sure it can't stay like this... but for right now, I'm getting to so everything again.

While I started Bar prep classes again yesterday... its actually the job interview I had yesterday that sort of set off this particular post. I wasn't planning on applying for any jobs right now. My classes are at night, the Bar is at the end of February. Obviously, I'm going to spend most every waking minute cramming. So the idea of working isn't particularly high on my list of objectives right now. But then a friend of mine said someone told him about a position working for a congressman, and he wanted to pass my resume along, and it just sounded really cool. And so, I took on my 7th ( I think) interview.

I mean it had it's downfalls... no pay... a year long commitment... really bad pay. But it was a step in the door for something I would be interested in doing. So I went to the interview, she liked me, said I was way overqualified for the job, then asked if I really thought I could juggle studying for the bar and working full time. A recent lawyer herself... I had to be honest... as much as I wanted the job it meant risking another failure, and she understood completely. I would basically be a glorified secretary for a year... it was a step forward but a massive leap back. She also knew that it would be a buffer position for me. Something I would just want to do to fill in until I got my license. She basically said all the things I've considered when looking for in between jobs. And once we got that out in the air, we just chatted like new friends comparing our lives and just... talking.

Mom, in her ever supportive role, reacted by telling me how she worked full time, while raising me, pulling 16 credits, and a 3.8 GPA and still found time to study somewhere in between. I hate, hate, hate, hate, when she compares her life to mine. I appreciate that it was hard for her... I was there... There's about 50 million perfectly true responses I could make to her but choose not to. And even now, it sounds a little too contemptuous to write out. So I'm just going to say I know it was hard for her... but it was a significantly different situation. She went on to even be like, "I wonder if I was a good mother then," and "I wonder how we kept it together then." My response was, " I wasn't a heathen wild teenager." Which basically meant I took care of myself, the house, and kept things working. It wasn't particularly hard... sort of just came naturally to be very prudent and responsible because I could easily see things going all to hell if I wasn't. A remarkably common theme when looking at how I've dealt with the whole cancer bit.

Sorry, I'm sort of pointlessly rambling here. Basically I just don't think she ever looked at the things I was doing to keep things going. Just like now she doesn't look at what I'm dealing with; she only knows how to see what she's doing or has done.

So... I don't want to say I didn't get the job. I think if I had committed she would have taken me in a heartbeat... But I was honest. I was actually honest about what I thought my limitations were. A first for me. And so we agreed that come March, when I'm done w/ the Bar, I'm to give her a call and see if anything is open.

I think for the first time in my life I am afraid to see where my limitations actually are. I've spent a lot of time pushing myself to the limits. Taking on too much work. Trying to do too much in life. And it's been absolutely fantastic. But I'm afraid that right now, if I push it and cross the line... I'll be stuck here forever. This is new to me. Even before cancer, I tried to push what I could handle (of course in a responsible and prudent over-achiever manner... not a crazy partier sense). Threats to my physical life sort of magnified that attitude. But now... its my long-term life that's threatened.

Am I growing up? Am I just growing tired? Is this just a phase? I don't know... but I know its what I need to do.

Identity Crisis

Who am I if I'm not a cancer patient? But nor am I really a cancer survivor. I am not officially a lawyer, nor am I a law student... or a student in general... and i've been one of those since I was 3/4ish... I seem to be missing all the things that tend to define me as a person. I remember when i was a volleyball player, and athlete, a nerd. Labels were easy in high school.

But now I sit here at 26 in place that I have identified as limbo. A state of flux, where I lack any definition. 6 months ago when I had a million things to write about thyca, I was a cancer patient. I had definition. Even if it involved the "wait and watch" approach to treatment. At that point someone was watching. Now, 6 months late... I can't tell you the last time I went to a doctor for thyca. I know, I know... stupid on my part... but I scheduled an appointment for a doctor down here, and the next appointment available is in February... I scheduled this some time in october. So no one has been watching me, checking me, keeping it fresh in my mind that i have cancer.

I know most of you out there may think... wow... what a blessing not having cancer thrown in your face every other month. But what if that's something you're used to, something you've been dealing with for 5 years. I've made major life decisions based on this stuff. It has shaped who I am. There is no denying that. Even just shifting to "wait and watch" was a bit of a blow to the identity ego. When people ask if your in remission... I think I just grumble a bit. No, I'm not a survivor... not really... limbo.

My family, as per usual, don't get it. They don't seem to grasp that I am a special case. That I have special needs... HAHAHA I'm an SNC. Upon leaving my doctor, I asked him if he knew anyone in my area that does thyroid cancer. His response was that he wanted me treated in DC and gave me 2 names... the other option was to be treated at a medical research facility. Anyone who is up to date on how you treat a case like mine... w/ lots of recurrence, lots of radiation, lots of tests, lots to look for, and all very small. His fear, that a local yocal is going to look at my tests and determine i need to be fried by another round of radiation; that they can't accept the "watch and wait" approach. A part of me agrees w/ the not waiting... the paranoid part, the rest of me though... agrees w/ my doc. I've read the science... I'm pretty good at understanding things... I'm probably immune to the radiation at this point... and i've had a hell of a lot of it.

By now i was hoping to be living in DC. Hasn't happened... so, on pressure from the 'rents, I've made an appointment w/ a local yocal... the only doctor in the area that does thyroid cancer from what i can tell. And by area I mean the 7 cities. I can't even shop for a doc here. And again, I have to wait to February just to meet the guy.

So I talked to my parents about using the doc up in dc. Mom's response, "well what if they find something; I can't take off work nor afford to go up there and stay in a hotel. I know you want the best, but that isn't really practical."... Wow... my response, "i would have no problems using a local guy if all he was doing was checking my bloodwork... if there were nothing there"... mom, "but your fine"... "no mom, i have something in my neck" ... "have you felt something, are you worried about it, or are you just being paranoid"... "No, we already know that I have something in my neck, I told you this months ago... you cried, i lit up an mri, bloodwork was all positive, i need more than basic tests".... oh... proceeded to tell my dad how i felt. He agreed with me. Till he talked to my mom. The conclusion relayed back to me was, "we can always change to a different doctor if something shows up." Apparently it completely is going over their heads that something has shown up, almost a year ago... soooo annoying.

So basically, they're saying they can't afford to take care of me in dc if something is wrong, and I'm saying that something is already not quite right and if it gets worse i sure as hell don't want someone down here poking and radiating me. And they have no idea that still have stuff going on... its like b/c i moved I'm done and in the clear.

So I guess that's more of a case of mistaken identity.

Any which way I look at it, its all a part of a larger identity crisis. I don't really know who I am or what I'm supposed to be doing anymore. I don't want to wrap my world around cancer, its even why i backed off from the blog... but I don't know what else there is for me; especially if in a few months i have to go back to being the cancer patient. There's no way to move on like this.

Post-Interview debriefing

I wasn't going to post again, but I had to.

The interview was fantastic, really,... and all I want to do is go home, curl up in a ball, and cry.

How f*kd up is that?

There was a panel of 8 people. It was kind of like a Chinese fire drill meets Monty Python's Spanish inquisition. They questioned my travels, why I was interested in defense work, etc. Poked fun at me for knowing the cops in the city. Sold me on how awesome working there would be, and how great of an experience it is. Then as I left the berated me with information and tips for passing the Bar. I don't remember the last time I slipped so easily into stride w/ a group of people. But they are basically all my friends transposed into new bodies. People interested in public interest work aren't your usual lawyers. They were all in late 20's early 30's (more or less). I was comfortable, and could see being happy, though poor, there.

So, why am I sitting in a library choking back the urge to cry?

First thought, what if I don't get the job? That would suck. I almost didn't want to like the interview so that if I didn't get the job I wouldn't be disappointed.

Second thought, if I got it, would I be settling? Its a safe job. Near home, could commute if I really wanted to save some cash. Its a very relaxed job (sort of)... would I get too comfortable doing something that comes easy to me? Is the safe job the way to go? Safe, reasonable, prudent, practical... always the way I deal with things.

Am I giving up on an international job search? Is practicality winning out?

What is it that I even want anymore? When did I stop aiming for my dreams, and instead started looking for things that were safe and practical?

I don't know.

Do I look funny?

So, I'm having one of those really just bizarre days, but in a good way... That is until I decided on today's post topic. It all started when I was eating lunch, and suddenly, this fox walks up to me. Now I don't live in the country. I'm in the middle of Virginia Beach, on Regent University's campus, eating a sandwich in between my bar prep class and sitting in the library. And then there was a fox. He kinda just looked at me, I looked at him, and then he just trotted away into some bushes.

So then I was listening to the Stupid Cancer Show. If you don't know, its a blog radio show, that I'm sure I'll have a whole post dedicated to at some point. Its very good; Monday nights 9pm eastern. If you go on, there's a live chat room, I go by robs723 and enjoy talking to people. Anywho, tonight's episode was all about sex and cancer, and I somehow managed to win a book by asking a question.

Now my question kind of got cut in two thanks to how much I could type in the chat box, so it got answered sort of awkwardly. But basically, it was how do you talk to a partner about how to be touched. The first part of the question that got lost described how I have no feeling from under my left ear and the left underside of my chin, through my left shoulder, and down into my chest. Nerve damage from a neck dissection. It screwed up everything from my golf game to how I like to be touched intimately. It kind of gives me the willies to have a light caress in that area that I can't really feel, or worse, a hard one that feels like pins and needles. Can you tell a guy not to touch you there... how do you get over how that feels? Can they tell that something is wrong? Do they get upset if you don't respond quite right? That was what I meant to be my full question.

So then it started me thinking about how I've looked since surgery. How one of my eyes squints more than the other when I smile. In general how the left side of my face, at least to me seems to hang ever so slightly. I wonder if my left arm or shoulder does the same. And so I got to wondering... "Do I look funny; awkward; a little off?" I'm pretty sure in my mind it is all exaggerated a little bit more; but I go through pictures and I see little differences, and see images of me where I just look weird. I mean maybe that's why I can't seem to find a guy to date; maybe they all look at me and see the weird and off balanced features that I see?

Little pet anxieties, and insecurities. And it isn't something anyone can make you feel better about. If they say they don't see what you are talking about, they are just trying to be nice and reassuring; if they actually don't see it, it's because they aren't used to looking at your face all the time, or didn't know you before. These are the thoughts that run through our minds and leave us in a perpetual circle of insecurity. I wish I could give you all some magic advice about how to overcome the thoughts; but I can't. I struggle with them to an obsessive point, cry about them at night, if I'm having a particularly sensitive day, and then blog when I can't think of any other way to get them out of my head.

Something I wrote back in 2007 that I randomly found on my hardrive

So I found the below ranting on my hard drive... amazing how the same feelings keep popping up again and again over the years.



Sometimes things just suck more than anyone can possibly begin to imagine. I ask you if you know what it is like to have every inch of your body and soul ache as if at any moment it will just give out from the wear and tear. When emotions and experience hurt physically. Not so much depression as a realization that too many things are wrong to be righted. That there is so much you can’t change you no longer have control over your life. And the more you try to control the larger the hole you fall into. When so many things have gone astray that your goals seemed blurred. Where you long for the opportunity to be torn between an ambitious career and life with a happy family because now both options have been torn from you in the most callous of manners. How you wish for a second in time there would be someone that could honestly tell you that it would be ok. Someone to sincerely hold you, someone who actually cares beyond just a friend. It’s the point you get to when you wonder if life would be better if you had just lived it the way you wanted to… pursued your dreams… pushing it to its fullest extent and then dying young, or if fighting for life, subjecting yourself to millions of tests, days of worry, never being able to truly be free to do what you want again, yet living a “full” life into old age…. But really, what kind of quality of life is that??? I don’t know what the point of what I’m trying to do means anymore, especially if I can’t pursue that life. I’ve lost my best friend b/c I dared to go to a level more than friendship… now he won’t talk to me. He was the only thing that really kept giving me hope for something more. And now I’m more alone than I have ever been. I have no dreams that can be achieved. I have no hopes. I have no motivation. I’m just waiting around… waiting for the next blood test to come back, the next scan to be performed, the next phone call confirming the next appointment, the next interview that will never come and a real world that can only shun someone such as myself. And I don’t know how to make any of it better besides more waiting and watching as the world passes me by.

Preemptive fear

So my eye surgery is going to be on Wednesday. And what I wouldn't tell anyone around me is that as usual, it scares the begeebees out of me. That's right, 3 surgeries in 4 years and they still scare the begeebees out of me. First there's the superficial fears about how the surgery will go. What if it doesn't work? What if I'm stuck in a state of teary eyes for the rest of my life? What if the scar doesn't heal right? How much is this going to age me? What if i can't cover it up? I'm going to be a freak scar faced individual.

Well then maybe I'm overreacting to the whole thing. Maybe i don't really need surgery. Maybe this really is bearable. But then again I was at an advisory board meeting yesterday and trying to schmooze and talk to board members, powerful people who want to do things like, take my resume, and b/c of a combination of walking there in the cold, and throwing on enough make-up to hide that I'm in the middle of exam season, my eyes were basically balling excessively, and the only excuse to fall back on was contact problems... an incredibly bold faced lie, but one i use so often, that sometimes I even say it when I'm wearing my glasses.

Then next logical question is whether or not I'm doing enough. I'm only getting my right eye done, but the left eye has been getting worse... I don't want to do this twice. Sure it isn't as bad as the right eye, but there's still big gopy tears that stream down from it from time to time. So it isn't blocked? You still call a plumber when you you have a slow drain b/c you know eventually the water just isn't going to go down.

There's the irrational fears too. More along the what if side of things. What if something goes wrong during surgery? What if I have a bad reaction to the anestetic? My mom is allergic to anesthesia. What if i can't bounce back right away? Every time i do surgery i feel like a part of my brain dies... i feel forgetful... Thought its probably just in my head (pun not intended).

All of this is frustrating. I was stupid to schedule this now... but when else would i do it? really? Side effects suck. I just want to get back as close to normal, or where i should be, than before the cancer came and started screwing around with my life. These little, seemingly insignificant side effects, really aren't that at all. They are inconvenient annoyances. Permanent reminders of what has happened. And often it is the smallest of these things that is the straw that will break the camel's back.

I'm not particularly smart or talented or motivated at anything. And in that way, I have a lot of normal things working against me, the same obstacles as every other normal person. Its times like now where I feel like the only people that should get cancer (not that anyone should get cancer) should be people a lot stronger than someone like me. Someone that has more going for them so that they can make this their big challenge to overcome. Because if you are just sort of all around mediocre to begin with, how can you really do well? I'm babbling... so I'll stop now.

Touch

I have no feeling on the left side under my chin... going down from there i feel only tingles into my upper chest and shoulder....

I wish i could say that the only numbness i felt was physical... but I have stopped feeling a lot of things. When I was first diagnosed, my surgeon (*note not doctor) was worried that I didn't cry. She thought I probably needed a drink and to watch the saddest movie I could think of. It's unnatural to not cry over cancer... surgery... and radiation... particularly the first round...

4 years later and my indifference towards things has only expanded into my non health life... be it my indifference to school... or even love... the last few weeks had been crap... then last week was awesome... lots of great stuff happened... and i had no reaction... null... i even got back the results that said it looks like no more cancer... instead of happiness... i felt cautious.... caution with everything... I have a problem: I don't think that I can really feel happy about anything... b/c it never seems to last... hard to explain... but you know... 4 years... keep being told its ok... but then not... it has its effects