Friday, May 29, 2009

a few things

1. I thought about last night's rant... and I think whats bothering me the most about my mom is that she's supposed to be the person that is there being the most supportive and understanding, and she isn't, and I don't have anyone else right now, especially b/c I moved away from my support network.

2. I finally got the call about the marble sized lump in my neck. Apparently its just a normal lymph node... which is finally decreasing in size... so YAY to that.

3. I found this comic. Its awful how much I love cancer comics. Especially really offensive ones... they make non-cancer people squirm... and i just find them amusing... this one, isn't so much bad, as it is how a lot of us feel when we're waiting for surgery or whaterver...

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @

Thursday, May 28, 2009


This is a rant... you can read if you want, but its mainly stuff i just needed to get off my chest, and is only the tip of an ice burg on a collision course.

I've recently moved home, and have been dealing with a whole whirlwind of issues that come along with being home, generally revolving around my mother. I love my mom, but she's a little much to handle, and there are things she just doesn't get.

For my birthday, my step dad is getting me a personal trainer. I think this is fantastic and couldn't come at a better time when i need the esteem boost and a fairly set rigorous schedule. He's been working with one since January, entered a weight loss competition, and dropped 61 lbs. So, I'm jumping on board. He gave me a bit to read about the science behind weight loss, etc... but the very first page talks about ways to stimulate t3 and t4 production, and how important thyroid hormone is to weight loss. This is possibly the worst thing to start off with when you are missing a thyroid and you take a set pill of t3 and t4, and no one has been able to explain how you raise your metabolism w/ out thyroid hormone... I'm a humanities major, not a biology major... I've tried asking my endo, but the just tell me about general exercise and cutting portions... sorry, i'm getting a bit side tracked... But I brought this fact up at dinner, mainly b/c a lot of my step dad's routine is based around boosting thyroid hormone production. He tells me that he talked with the trainer he's hooking me up with and she's worked w/ thyroid cancer patients before and they'd design a program for me. Mom on the other hand, responded by saying I couldn't blame all my weight gain on thyroid cancer because she knew someone else without a thyroid, who just learned how to eat right, and then became a nutritionist and she maintains her weight.

She has a lot to say about what I shouldn't be blaming on being sick. I've considered printing all the material on thyroid cancer, treatment, and side effects, particularly from chat rooms, blogs, and forums to have her sit and read, and let it soak in that in reality, i don't publicize (ok i publicize, obviously, hence the blog)I don't publicize with my everyday people every thing, some big, some small, that has really gone on, and what I tend to work with on my own.

Whats sparked me on this post is seemingly pretty petty, and not entirely cancer related, but it has to do with how she treats things that are mine. She has this giant stain glass work table thing, which she decided, to put under my bed... on top of my undergrad diploma... and the $300+ diploma frame that I won in a raffle, during my very first week of hypo hell. The whole thing is totally scratched and damaged now (if you know how to fix scratches in polished wood, let me know). Its probably one of the nicest things I will ever own. And she was all, "there was nothing under your bed... "etc. She didn't apologize, or say, well lets see if it can be fixed, or anything. And when I was moving, I went to pick up the U-haul, i had all the awards, pictures, and other odds and ends that i had had on my fridge in a pile, to be put in side a book, or something to keep them flat... she just took a trash bag, and threw everything in it... wine racks, rugs, shot glasses... and i'm like... wow, glad to see you even give the slightest about my things. And that's how all my stuff has been treated the past few years.

Oh, and she doesn't approve of what I do and don't keep. Now I've always been a pack rat to a certain extent. I actually think i've gotten better over the years, but there are still things I keep. Especially now... when I feel like I forget far more than I remember... I feel like having something there as a reminder helps keep memories in tact. Does anyone else out there find that after being sick, you place ridiculous sentimental value on the most random things?

I've been playing the grin and bare it game. Nothing new for me... I've never fought back or stood up for myself. Ironic for someone who's about to be a lawyer. If I tell her my opinions, or stand up for myself, she cries. She's bossy and needy, and tends to only see how things affect her. If I'm sick, its all about how she reacts and how she gets sick worrying about me being sick (this is everything from the sniffles to cancer). It really becomes about how stressful things are on her. I think i've mentioned before, that i've always been the hand holder of the family. How I tend to shy away from getting the attention from being sick. I generally don't like the hugging, and the "i'm sorries"... I think i've also mentioned that i've lost a lot my compassion for other people's problems. So to be home, and having mom push and exaggerate every ailment (she's only 47), ache, and problem in her life, to wander around the house for a day talking about how she's "mentally depressed"... for one day... Especially when a lot of the things wrong w/ her, she does to herself, or she can make better using basic common sense... I've solved her problems like 50 times recently, and both my dad and step-dad have turned to me, and said "you know you are just talking to a wall, you can't talk common-sense to her." And so it boils down to me telling her to suck it up; i can't respect someone and handle being bullied/and/or treated like a teenager by someone so utterly childish.

Again, sorry for the rant... i just needed to clear my head... mainly so i can continue keeping my cool.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Turning Zombie

To begin, let me say I have an unhealthy obsession w/ zombies... like we all should... zombies are fun.

So they did the biopsy on my neck. 5 passes. Used a topical anesthetic... which did absolutely nothing. The doc also used a laptop for the ultrasound that was playing the lord of the rings soundtrack. Had me watching the screen the whole time too... If you are a doctor, always ask to see if your patient is cool with watching you jab a needle into their neck... The answer isn't always yes. Anywho, he was disturbed by how calm i was the whole time. I kept thinking about how big of a bruise I was going to have to be sporting at graduation. (bruise wasn't too bad, hair covered it... but the muscle was so sore i couldn't turn my neck).

So he looked at the slides , and to my relief... no cancer. (though he is sending the slides in to see if anything grows). He said it really looked weird, like I had necromancing tissue. Thats right, necromancing tissue... I am a necromancer. A zombie. A part of the living dead. (necromancing tissue = dead tissue... hence zombie).

On a venting note, i didn't tell my parents what happened this week. Why I hadn't really gotten to packing. And I got bitched at a lot for not doing it..but still held my tongue. They really only need to know if something is wrong.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

B/c things never go quite as planned...

After taking about 20 pictures of the one new lymph node, the radiologist sent me home. I think its b/c it was after 5 and they wanted to go home... only to tell my doctor that this new node appeared to be cancer, so now i go get it biopsed tomorrow morning. My conclusion: ALWAYS make sure your doctor asks for both an ultrasound and FNA (fine needle aspiration aka a biopsy).

I graduate from law school in 2 days. I move in 4. My goal was to leave all of this behind. People keep asking why I'm leaving. At this point for as much as i love this place, I hate... I hate being here. I hate the memories attached. I hate that all the bad things have tainted the good things. I can't live with this anymore...

Eric was the person who was there again... just minutes after bad news hit. He new when he walked in something was wrong. Sigh. And I can't tell my parents. My dad comes in tonight... I can't do it. Not this weekend. Not until I at least get the biops result.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

What I forgot...

I'm getting another ultrasound on Monday at 5pm. They have instructions to check out the lump behind my ear. I'm not sure what is worse, it being a tumor they can take out or kill w/ alcohol, or just another swollen lymph node... When I say its pressing on a pressure point... it really is; and it causes a lot of throbbing pain, all the time.

How much have you wanted to make things about you?

First, let me apologize to people w/ questions, that i haven't gotten back to immediately. I just, this morning, finished my last ever law school exam. My brain is totally fried. And really, emotionally, I am completely spent.

I needed a hug tonight, but couldn't ask for it. It wasn't for being done w/ law school... though, in a lot of ways i've been in shock about that. The hug need ties back with Wednesday. I finally got to my doctor. It was just a check-up, and tune-up, before i move. But it also meant me saying... "there's something behind my ear... its pressing on a pressure point"... which in reality is driving me damn near insane... I mean, it is in between where the jaw connects just under the ear... that fucking hurts if you stick a marble sized lump there.

My doctor's reaction, after feeling my neck once, and not noticing it, was, "wow, yeah, there is a lymph node there."... Before I say anything... I want to say that I love my newest doctor. He is straight forward with me, and tells me directly what he thinks is going on. From a smart person standpoint this is awesome. From someone who just wants to be told everything is ok... I kinda want to throw large solid objects at him.

So being told that yes my cancer markers are positive, and something small but not big showed up on both the ultrasound and MRI, and that i need to wait... well the desire to throw something at him really comes through.

But then there is the new lump. And he acknowledged its presence. He expressed how he didn't think it was thyroid cancer b/c of its location. Right side, under ear. My cancer has always been on the left. No TC ever goes under the ear. I'm not sure to be happy about this, or cursing it. It could be something different... not just thyroid cancer... something new. It is in fact terrifying.

I had a nightmare the other night about getting chemo. I felt the needle in my arm near my right elbow. And i felt the pain and numbness as the chemicals seeped into my system. Imagination is a dangerous thing.

There are people out there, who may never read this, that I need to thank. Michael for listening to my crazy rants about dreams and whats happened. Heather, for always being there if I really need her. And Eric... I feel like I have to type this, b/c you might not ever know it in person. You were the first and only to know that things went bad recently. You didn't feel a need to hug me... and just told me it sucked... and that, that is what i needed. I needed tonight... out w/ people I know, but not really. It's easier to pretend everything is close to normal, and this year is really just an end to law school, and not everything else. I will probably never tell you all that happened this year, and how much being friends with you has been a way to vent, and to passive aggressively take out my feelings on the world. Thank you... you may not realize you've done anything at all, and I can't quite seem to pinpoint in words how it is you were there, but you were... thanks.