The Least Common Denominator of Death and Illness

When I first wrote this post on Friday afternoon, things were different. Rather than change the original post, I decided to just write this bit at the beginning. Our close family friend, Pat Stetic lost her battle against cancer tonight. All of my thoughts go out to her and her family. RIP Pup, you will missed.

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Being told I have cancer, again, and again, and again has sort of worn down my reaction to the news... at least my initial reaction.

But in a scary new way its started happening when I'm told something is wrong w/ a friend/family member. I like to believe I'm not really cold. And I care, I really do care, and I think about it... but I just seem to be lacking the emotional response. And I'm thinking that it might have something to do with just how bombarded I have been lately with bad news.

I guess it started w/ my aunt dying in May. Then my cousin on my dad's side committed suicide in October. It was discovered that my mom's dad had two aneurysm. He went to have surgery on the one, but it became a more complicated and invasive surgery because he has so much tar built up in his system that they couldn't get to it. He was in the hospital for a week over Thanksgiving. My step dad's mom got three bad reports in one day. Her cousin, a woman who I networked with about a year ago in an attempt to get a job, was diagnosed w/ a rare cancer and given a week to live. A close friend, and my neighbor that I've shared drinks with caught a lung disease and died w/in the week. And a very close family friend, who I have been close with as well, took a turn for the worse in her fight against cancer. We were told just before thanksgiving that she was only expected to live another day or two... she's still hanging on. That day, my step-dad's mom ended up in the hospital w/ crushed vertibra. She came home, and a week later was back w/ blood clots and pneumonia just in time to spend Thanksgiving there. The brother of my cousin who died ended up in a major car accident, but is doing better. But then his dad had a heart attack last friday, after thanksgiving; thankfully he is back in good health this week. Then today one of my friends informed us that her husband was just diagnosed with testicular cancer.

I'm emotionally numb at this point. My mom, she can cry at a drop of a dime and openly show how distraught and attached to people she is. I can't. I don't know why. I think my reaction emotions are all mental. I tend to think and dwell on these things. For the last bit of news, my reaction was more of a "finally, someone I may actually be able to support and be helpful." It's also hard to know how to react because of how distant I really am from all these people. I've felt like a perpetual third wheel to all sides of the family for most of my life. Often, even telling me what's going on is sort of an afterthought.

I wish I could be closer to people, especially my family. It took me years to get back in touch with my dad's side of the family. He lost touch with them, there was a fallout between them and my mom over a bad joke. And I was the one left out, growing up with the knowledge that family can in fact cut you out. Mom's side of the family isn't much better. I don't think anyone has made any attempt at interacting with me as an adult... maybe my aunt a little bit. But no one ever calls me just to talk or anything. I just don't feel like I have a relationship with any of them. Love them, care about them... but not attached. And my step dad's family... well, closest thing I've known to having extended family around, but i came into the family at about 13... and will always sort of be the random step child.

Backlog

Today I opened gmail, and typed in "cancer" only to see a million and one different e-mails that have been piling up since August. After the bar exam, I just haven't been keeping up with very much of anything other than job searching... and attempts at dating that went down in flaming glory (something I need to get around to writing about). Part of this I've mentioned in bits and pieces over the past few months as I'm afraid I was getting too wrapped up in the cancer stuff... the other part is, well... I get yelled at if I spend too much time on the computer at home. I'm 26, and I get scolded. Something about how I should be pounding the pavement and going law firm to law firm soliciting myself. I hope there are other lawyers or law students out there reading this b/c the reaction I've gotten when I told lawyers this is something along the lines of... "hahahaha only if we can charge you for showing up on our time." And the last part of this is that I'm a little bit lazy/a gemini w/ a relatively short attention span. The mere fact that I've been fairly consistent at blogging for about a year now floors me.

But, now I'm back in the library, where I will find a million and one ways to actually avoid studying.

Today, was going over the backlog of cancer e-mails. First, I just went through and deleted all the Planet Cancer comments... I always read them, just never delete them. Then I worked my way backwards. There's a lot of up and coming health sites out there looking for bloggers, and ways to advertise. Wellsphere, Everydayhealth, Navigating Cancer, cancer physician's data base... Do I really want to participate in all of them? Do I really want to post links and publicize them to you all? Are you other health bloggers also being inundated with these e-mails?

I mean I love the ego stroke. I love people telling me that they enjoy my blog, find it inspiring, think I have a unique outlook, etc. etc. But I have no idea how much of these are just form letters w/ my name and blog pasted in. So I've been going through these sites, and everything has its own little appeal. A lot of repetition. Then it occurred to me that people searching for info on their different diseases and things all end up in different places. Some sites might appeal to some people more than others. And for me, to get the blog noticed that little bit more, and to provide a good hub for thyca information, I should just get myself out there as much as possible. How else would my blog take over the world?

One of the more interesting requests I got was for a book. They asked if I wanted to review an early edition, or to do a book giveaway on the blog. I thought that was pretty cool, but I'm not big on reading health books. I know how weird that must sound considering the original idea for this blog, and how many other blogs I read... but books are my special place. I know going to different legal conventions and things, people talk about all these books they've read on international affairs and things, and they ask me what I think, and I look at them and say something along the lines of, "the last book dealing w/ international affairs that I read for pleasure was Jingo by terry pratchett." I am working on reading "Everything Changes"... It sits next to my bed in a pile with "An ordinary Man", "Dracula", and "Pride Prejudice and Zombies"... my Pratchett book of the month tends to be in my purse. So I think it's a cool idea, and I'm totally flattered by the offer, and maybe if I didn't read at a snails pace I'd seriously consider it, but right now... book reviews just aren't my thing.

So to wrap it all up: If you have sent me an e-mail that I never responded to, I'm sorry. If you still havent' gotten a response by the time you've read this, I've managed to carelessly delete it, and you should e-mail me again. I'm in the library everyday, so I'll be back to being responsive. If you want to ask me to blog on your site or to put up a link, I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff (though I'm not just posting every link, I do try to maintain some quality control).

Here I go jumping back into the blogosphere... next up, I'll be posting my Thyoliday Blues and Truths for Dear Thyroid on Sunday 8-)

Identity Crisis

Who am I if I'm not a cancer patient? But nor am I really a cancer survivor. I am not officially a lawyer, nor am I a law student... or a student in general... and i've been one of those since I was 3/4ish... I seem to be missing all the things that tend to define me as a person. I remember when i was a volleyball player, and athlete, a nerd. Labels were easy in high school.

But now I sit here at 26 in place that I have identified as limbo. A state of flux, where I lack any definition. 6 months ago when I had a million things to write about thyca, I was a cancer patient. I had definition. Even if it involved the "wait and watch" approach to treatment. At that point someone was watching. Now, 6 months late... I can't tell you the last time I went to a doctor for thyca. I know, I know... stupid on my part... but I scheduled an appointment for a doctor down here, and the next appointment available is in February... I scheduled this some time in october. So no one has been watching me, checking me, keeping it fresh in my mind that i have cancer.

I know most of you out there may think... wow... what a blessing not having cancer thrown in your face every other month. But what if that's something you're used to, something you've been dealing with for 5 years. I've made major life decisions based on this stuff. It has shaped who I am. There is no denying that. Even just shifting to "wait and watch" was a bit of a blow to the identity ego. When people ask if your in remission... I think I just grumble a bit. No, I'm not a survivor... not really... limbo.

My family, as per usual, don't get it. They don't seem to grasp that I am a special case. That I have special needs... HAHAHA I'm an SNC. Upon leaving my doctor, I asked him if he knew anyone in my area that does thyroid cancer. His response was that he wanted me treated in DC and gave me 2 names... the other option was to be treated at a medical research facility. Anyone who is up to date on how you treat a case like mine... w/ lots of recurrence, lots of radiation, lots of tests, lots to look for, and all very small. His fear, that a local yocal is going to look at my tests and determine i need to be fried by another round of radiation; that they can't accept the "watch and wait" approach. A part of me agrees w/ the not waiting... the paranoid part, the rest of me though... agrees w/ my doc. I've read the science... I'm pretty good at understanding things... I'm probably immune to the radiation at this point... and i've had a hell of a lot of it.

By now i was hoping to be living in DC. Hasn't happened... so, on pressure from the 'rents, I've made an appointment w/ a local yocal... the only doctor in the area that does thyroid cancer from what i can tell. And by area I mean the 7 cities. I can't even shop for a doc here. And again, I have to wait to February just to meet the guy.

So I talked to my parents about using the doc up in dc. Mom's response, "well what if they find something; I can't take off work nor afford to go up there and stay in a hotel. I know you want the best, but that isn't really practical."... Wow... my response, "i would have no problems using a local guy if all he was doing was checking my bloodwork... if there were nothing there"... mom, "but your fine"... "no mom, i have something in my neck" ... "have you felt something, are you worried about it, or are you just being paranoid"... "No, we already know that I have something in my neck, I told you this months ago... you cried, i lit up an mri, bloodwork was all positive, i need more than basic tests".... oh... proceeded to tell my dad how i felt. He agreed with me. Till he talked to my mom. The conclusion relayed back to me was, "we can always change to a different doctor if something shows up." Apparently it completely is going over their heads that something has shown up, almost a year ago... soooo annoying.

So basically, they're saying they can't afford to take care of me in dc if something is wrong, and I'm saying that something is already not quite right and if it gets worse i sure as hell don't want someone down here poking and radiating me. And they have no idea that still have stuff going on... its like b/c i moved I'm done and in the clear.

So I guess that's more of a case of mistaken identity.

Any which way I look at it, its all a part of a larger identity crisis. I don't really know who I am or what I'm supposed to be doing anymore. I don't want to wrap my world around cancer, its even why i backed off from the blog... but I don't know what else there is for me; especially if in a few months i have to go back to being the cancer patient. There's no way to move on like this.

A Follow Up on Brain Fog

Just in case you haven't read this yet, I am bringing it up to your attention:
When Cancer Muddles the Mind

Its an article by Kairol Ronsenthal talking about thyroid cancer and brain fog. I commented on the article about how maybe if enough of us yammer on about this our doctors might take notice. I can't think of a much louder written forum than the New York Times. So I would say if you have had problems, you should also comment.

Then there was Halloween, the best holiday ever...

Yup, Halloween is my all time favorite holiday. There's no real explanation why... it just is. All fun, no pressure. A night where you can let your imagination go all sorts of crazy.

My Halloween involved a kids party, trick-or-treating w/ a cooler of beer in a wagon (i hung out w/ my step-dad for this), meeting a young german dude, who will be here for about 9 months, then bonfireing back in my back yard, where a couple of my friends also joined me.

But the most awesome part... was my sweet ass Heath Ledger Joker costume...