Sunday, October 18, 2009

And then there was failure...

So yeah... you may recall that my summer was spent studying for the bar exam.

And then the past month I've tried to get out and enjoy what was left of my summer.

And then on Friday at midnight i got the news that i failed the bar exam.

And I drank with my mom until about 5 in the morning.

Then i cried to my best friend begging her to drive down from pittsburgh b/c for really the first time ever i was cashing in my "i need you here now" chip... which she couldn't do.

And then I yelled via g-talk to my other best friend in Korea. My main point being that for fucks sake after everything i've been through for the last 4 years, I deserved a fucking break. Surely in the great karma scheme of things, i deserved passing the bar exam as a balance to having cancer.

And now I know that I handle all major blows in my life like i handle being told I have cancer. I get pounded. I drink a little. I worry myself sick before the news. Develop multiple back up plans. Play the shiny happy role to my family... b/c god forbid I show how I actually feel or they start going off about how i'm depressed and maybe i need medication etc. etc. etc. Can't cry in front of mom, b/c she'll cry too. Because you know... this happened to her, and she only knows how to make herself feel better about it. And she wants to talk about it like it'll change things. And she had me check my results a million times over in case maybe they put more names on the list. And when I say I don't want to talk about it, she just said she was sorry I didn't want to talk about it and continued to do so.

The hardest bit though, was this morning. They wanted me to go to a breast cancer walk with all of their friends (they being my parents). And I couldn't do it. I was literally paralyzed by the idea of having to see everyone, look at these people that aren't my closest friends... b/c they don't comfort, they would ask questions... what are my plans, what will i do next. False condolences and disappointment. The awkwardness b/c they don't know what to say. Its almost exactly the same as with the cancer.

I tried very much to stop my mom or anyone else from playing up too much what we would do once we found out i passed. I had the same pit in my stomach that i do after a cancer screening that i know i won't like the outcome of. I'm afraid to get excited about things like this. I fear getting my hopes up. Because when it matters the most... it hasn't worked out for me. Not really. Not in 4 years.

I know the bar exam is not the same as cancer testing. But like cancer testing, i can't move forward in my life without passing it. Not really, at least.

And it's also led to the realization that I really have lost the ability to hope for things. I'm too cautious. I naturally just prep for the worst so I can weather it without being entirely crushed.

And that's my life now. And its sad. And I don't know how you fix it.

1 comment:

Daria said...

That is very sad ... I'm sorry ... you're right, after being diagnosed with cancer, you'd think that is enough bad news for one person ... just good news from now on.