Wednesday, December 10, 2008



Saturday, December 6, 2008

Preemptive fear

So my eye surgery is going to be on Wednesday. And what I wouldn't tell anyone around me is that as usual, it scares the begeebees out of me. That's right, 3 surgeries in 4 years and they still scare the begeebees out of me. First there's the superficial fears about how the surgery will go. What if it doesn't work? What if I'm stuck in a state of teary eyes for the rest of my life? What if the scar doesn't heal right? How much is this going to age me? What if i can't cover it up? I'm going to be a freak scar faced individual.

Well then maybe I'm overreacting to the whole thing. Maybe i don't really need surgery. Maybe this really is bearable. But then again I was at an advisory board meeting yesterday and trying to schmooze and talk to board members, powerful people who want to do things like, take my resume, and b/c of a combination of walking there in the cold, and throwing on enough make-up to hide that I'm in the middle of exam season, my eyes were basically balling excessively, and the only excuse to fall back on was contact problems... an incredibly bold faced lie, but one i use so often, that sometimes I even say it when I'm wearing my glasses.

Then next logical question is whether or not I'm doing enough. I'm only getting my right eye done, but the left eye has been getting worse... I don't want to do this twice. Sure it isn't as bad as the right eye, but there's still big gopy tears that stream down from it from time to time. So it isn't blocked? You still call a plumber when you you have a slow drain b/c you know eventually the water just isn't going to go down.

There's the irrational fears too. More along the what if side of things. What if something goes wrong during surgery? What if I have a bad reaction to the anestetic? My mom is allergic to anesthesia. What if i can't bounce back right away? Every time i do surgery i feel like a part of my brain dies... i feel forgetful... Thought its probably just in my head (pun not intended).

All of this is frustrating. I was stupid to schedule this now... but when else would i do it? really? Side effects suck. I just want to get back as close to normal, or where i should be, than before the cancer came and started screwing around with my life. These little, seemingly insignificant side effects, really aren't that at all. They are inconvenient annoyances. Permanent reminders of what has happened. And often it is the smallest of these things that is the straw that will break the camel's back.

I'm not particularly smart or talented or motivated at anything. And in that way, I have a lot of normal things working against me, the same obstacles as every other normal person. Its times like now where I feel like the only people that should get cancer (not that anyone should get cancer) should be people a lot stronger than someone like me. Someone that has more going for them so that they can make this their big challenge to overcome. Because if you are just sort of all around mediocre to begin with, how can you really do well? I'm babbling... so I'll stop now.