Thursday, April 9, 2009

Something I wrote back in 2007 that I randomly found on my hardrive

So I found the below ranting on my hard drive... amazing how the same feelings keep popping up again and again over the years.

Sometimes things just suck more than anyone can possibly begin to imagine. I ask you if you know what it is like to have every inch of your body and soul ache as if at any moment it will just give out from the wear and tear. When emotions and experience hurt physically. Not so much depression as a realization that too many things are wrong to be righted. That there is so much you can’t change you no longer have control over your life. And the more you try to control the larger the hole you fall into. When so many things have gone astray that your goals seemed blurred. Where you long for the opportunity to be torn between an ambitious career and life with a happy family because now both options have been torn from you in the most callous of manners. How you wish for a second in time there would be someone that could honestly tell you that it would be ok. Someone to sincerely hold you, someone who actually cares beyond just a friend. It’s the point you get to when you wonder if life would be better if you had just lived it the way you wanted to… pursued your dreams… pushing it to its fullest extent and then dying young, or if fighting for life, subjecting yourself to millions of tests, days of worry, never being able to truly be free to do what you want again, yet living a “full” life into old age…. But really, what kind of quality of life is that??? I don’t know what the point of what I’m trying to do means anymore, especially if I can’t pursue that life. I’ve lost my best friend b/c I dared to go to a level more than friendship… now he won’t talk to me. He was the only thing that really kept giving me hope for something more. And now I’m more alone than I have ever been. I have no dreams that can be achieved. I have no hopes. I have no motivation. I’m just waiting around… waiting for the next blood test to come back, the next scan to be performed, the next phone call confirming the next appointment, the next interview that will never come and a real world that can only shun someone such as myself. And I don’t know how to make any of it better besides more waiting and watching as the world passes me by.

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