Sunday, April 5, 2009


After four years of cancer, this is my first year where I'm going into finals week without prepping at the same time for radiation. In a lot of ways, this is the "healthiest" that I have been in four years. But yet for some strange and unknown reason, I've recently become obsessed with all things cancer related. I'm reading a lot of other people's blogs; actually this is a new thing in general, I just randomly started reading blogs regularly about a month ago. I also read websites, peruse merchandise, etc. There's a part of me that wants to throw a stupid cancer happy hour, so that I can actually meet other cancer kids in the area; ironic because I'm leaving in two months.

I think there is a part of me that is so overwhelmingly tired of dealing with everything on my own, that I need to feel connected. And now, with a diagnosis of, positive markers, small new something, but too small to biops, lets just wait six months and see what happens, I feel like I need to be doing something more proactive. This concept alone could spin into a whole new post: the feeling the need to fight and take control of something. But I think I will save that for another time.

So for now, I'm left obsessing. I'm hoping with more free time on my hands to post more. Though I'm not sure what. This also becomes harder, with realizing how many people read, or when another, more famous blogger comments about how you write about the same topics and have the same view on things.
I also don't give this site out to my friends and family. It's sort of ironic in a sense. A place originally intended for me to vent my feelings so I don't bottle them, that no one was supposed to read, and that then turned into sort of a networking device to connect me with others... just not the people I already know and love.

So I guess my questions for the handful of readers out there are these: Do you find there is something that triggers you to obsess with cancer, not so much the disease, but the culture that develops around it? And, do you find it easier to not share all your feeling with your closest people for whatever reason?

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