Faith

My fish died today. It's Easter Sunday... which, as usual, I've spend alone. And the beta fish, whose name is Fish, that I have had since August of 2007. So he's lived a fairly long life, but then just... died. There are a lot of eerie things tied to this, that aren't at all relevant to this blog. But then I've sat here all day, watching Turner Classic Movies and all the Easter stories, and it got me to thinking about faith.

I rarely if ever talk about religion these days, unless it is in jest, or if it is to muse over my aspirations as a young child to become a priest, only to discover that under Catholicism, women can't be priests. When we missed church, I used to actually gather my stuffed animals together and break bread for them.

Now the next bit will irk a lot of you. You shouldn't let it. It isn't an attack... if anything, for those of you who have kept your faith through all you've been through, I envy you. I used to pray, and find comfort with prayer, but that changed one day, very suddenly.

I was in the radiology waiting room. Praying before going in for an ultrasound. When I looked over at a girl in her late teens. Clearly with severe down-syndrom. With what appeared to be grandparents. But she also was clearly undergoing chemo. And I never felt anything so sinking as the feeling i felt when i looked at her and her family... it was a mixture of anger, and frustration, and irritation with how i could ask God to help me and look after me for a test when there was someone else sitting not 20 feet from me that clearly needed more attention... or something like that. And then I pulled myself away from her and tried to comfort myself again in prayer, but it didn't work, there was no comfort. That was the first time i had an ultra sound where they didn't biops my neck for a change.

And so now I find, if i pray, it's usually for someone other than myself. It is awkward for me when I get a card in the mail from my Grandfather saying they have people praying for me at this or that church. Sort of like I feel like those prayers should be saved for someone with more faith than me. One day my dentist asked me how being sick had affected my relationship with God and tried to give me a book and things... that was a little awkward. I don't need to be preached to. I have my beliefs still. But as you read through my blog, you won't find me talking about faith, or how God has gotten me through things, it just isn't my way.