Turning Zombie

To begin, let me say I have an unhealthy obsession w/ zombies... like we all should... zombies are fun.



So they did the biopsy on my neck. 5 passes. Used a topical anesthetic... which did absolutely nothing. The doc also used a laptop for the ultrasound that was playing the lord of the rings soundtrack. Had me watching the screen the whole time too... If you are a doctor, always ask to see if your patient is cool with watching you jab a needle into their neck... The answer isn't always yes. Anywho, he was disturbed by how calm i was the whole time. I kept thinking about how big of a bruise I was going to have to be sporting at graduation. (bruise wasn't too bad, hair covered it... but the muscle was so sore i couldn't turn my neck).

So he looked at the slides , and to my relief... no cancer. (though he is sending the slides in to see if anything grows). He said it really looked weird, like I had necromancing tissue. Thats right, necromancing tissue... I am a necromancer. A zombie. A part of the living dead. (necromancing tissue = dead tissue... hence zombie).

On a venting note, i didn't tell my parents what happened this week. Why I hadn't really gotten to packing. And I got bitched at a lot for not doing it..but still held my tongue. They really only need to know if something is wrong.

B/c things never go quite as planned...

After taking about 20 pictures of the one new lymph node, the radiologist sent me home. I think its b/c it was after 5 and they wanted to go home... only to tell my doctor that this new node appeared to be cancer, so now i go get it biopsed tomorrow morning. My conclusion: ALWAYS make sure your doctor asks for both an ultrasound and FNA (fine needle aspiration aka a biopsy).

I graduate from law school in 2 days. I move in 4. My goal was to leave all of this behind. People keep asking why I'm leaving. At this point for as much as i love this place, I hate... I hate being here. I hate the memories attached. I hate that all the bad things have tainted the good things. I can't live with this anymore...

Eric was the person who was there again... just minutes after bad news hit. He new when he walked in something was wrong. Sigh. And I can't tell my parents. My dad comes in tonight... I can't do it. Not this weekend. Not until I at least get the biops result.

What I forgot...

I'm getting another ultrasound on Monday at 5pm. They have instructions to check out the lump behind my ear. I'm not sure what is worse, it being a tumor they can take out or kill w/ alcohol, or just another swollen lymph node... When I say its pressing on a pressure point... it really is; and it causes a lot of throbbing pain, all the time.

How much have you wanted to make things about you?

First, let me apologize to people w/ questions, that i haven't gotten back to immediately. I just, this morning, finished my last ever law school exam. My brain is totally fried. And really, emotionally, I am completely spent.

I needed a hug tonight, but couldn't ask for it. It wasn't for being done w/ law school... though, in a lot of ways i've been in shock about that. The hug need ties back with Wednesday. I finally got to my doctor. It was just a check-up, and tune-up, before i move. But it also meant me saying... "there's something behind my ear... its pressing on a pressure point"... which in reality is driving me damn near insane... I mean, it is in between where the jaw connects just under the ear... that fucking hurts if you stick a marble sized lump there.

My doctor's reaction, after feeling my neck once, and not noticing it, was, "wow, yeah, there is a lymph node there."... Before I say anything... I want to say that I love my newest doctor. He is straight forward with me, and tells me directly what he thinks is going on. From a smart person standpoint this is awesome. From someone who just wants to be told everything is ok... I kinda want to throw large solid objects at him.

So being told that yes my cancer markers are positive, and something small but not big showed up on both the ultrasound and MRI, and that i need to wait... well the desire to throw something at him really comes through.

But then there is the new lump. And he acknowledged its presence. He expressed how he didn't think it was thyroid cancer b/c of its location. Right side, under ear. My cancer has always been on the left. No TC ever goes under the ear. I'm not sure to be happy about this, or cursing it. It could be something different... not just thyroid cancer... something new. It is in fact terrifying.

I had a nightmare the other night about getting chemo. I felt the needle in my arm near my right elbow. And i felt the pain and numbness as the chemicals seeped into my system. Imagination is a dangerous thing.

There are people out there, who may never read this, that I need to thank. Michael for listening to my crazy rants about dreams and whats happened. Heather, for always being there if I really need her. And Eric... I feel like I have to type this, b/c you might not ever know it in person. You were the first and only to know that things went bad recently. You didn't feel a need to hug me... and just told me it sucked... and that, that is what i needed. I needed tonight... out w/ people I know, but not really. It's easier to pretend everything is close to normal, and this year is really just an end to law school, and not everything else. I will probably never tell you all that happened this year, and how much being friends with you has been a way to vent, and to passive aggressively take out my feelings on the world. Thank you... you may not realize you've done anything at all, and I can't quite seem to pinpoint in words how it is you were there, but you were... thanks.

Friends

A lot of things have been going around lately about the importance of friends and social circles for getting over cancer. I'm sort of piggybacking off of these things, mainly because they are timely.

Since 2005, I've gone into each spring on my low iodine diet, hypo, and then radiated. I'm pretty open with the fact that I have cancer... but at the same time, I don't like the attention... or having my friends feel bad or worries, or put in the position of saying the wrong thing... etc. But, I still need my support, but without the burden of worrying. This might fly against what others think should be done, and the first and even the second, i didn't mind so much. But when it became an every year issues, it just seems ridiculous to put people through the same stuff again and again.

So what I do each year is throw a party. The Radioactive Robin Wine Party. You know, b/c being on the iodine diet you can still drink wine. And so its become tradition. This year's party was last night. It was called the 4th annual NON-Radioactive Robin Wine Party: the Nuclear Fallout. I'm wordy, what can i say. This year was particularly important to me. I graduated w/ my masters yesterday (law is in another couple of weeks 8D). And this year, as the title implies I'm not radioactive, and I'm actually moving. It was also important to me to have all my friends. Only a handful, like 4, know that things didn't go well this year, and that I tested positive for the cancer, and that I'm just supposed to be sitting and waiting it out.

So for me, having everyone around means a lot more to me than I might let them know. I prefer having my friends celebrate things with me, and just hang out. It makes me feel normal...