Wednesday, January 13, 2010

New Years Resolutions

So, now that we are midwayish through January, I figured I'd post a bit about my New Years resolutions. I've never been particularly big on these things, but I've had one this year that is remarkably different than the traditional ones we think of and it sort of directly relates to a side effect of my thyca... I think. I also thought that maybe if I wrote them down and shared them it just might increase my level of accountability.

The first is more of a goal than a resolution: I want to earn at least 175 on the MBE and score at least an 8 on all of my essays. This is of course referring to Bar exam scores. These are fairly lofty numbers, but I really believe if I buckle down and learn the material I can do it.

Second, and more traditionally, I want to lose weight. You may recall that I started working with a trainer, and was keeping up a fitness log on here each week at the beginning of the summer. With the car accident, bar exam, freak welts, and the emotional downturn that accompanied all that, the gym got pushed to the side. But, after Thanksgiving, I started going and running and lifting most days; post New Years, it became far more regular, and I've jumped back into dieting. I'm doing more than I was before, but I think its working out. My realistic goal is to drop to 185, that's were I was when I found out I was sick. I also think I'm going to join my gym's fitness challenge. Its sort of like the biggest looser. Last year my step-dad won it, dropping 62 lbs. between January and May. While I don't expect similar results, I think the challenge would motivate me a bit more... which leads me to the last big resolution:

I want to increase my level of commitment and follow-through.

I realize that sounds a bit vague, but it really is becoming a problem for me. I keep saying I want to do something, and never do. I start projects, that I never finish. I can't seem to stomach the idea of committing to anything. I'm like the Babe Ruth of doing things. I do more than anyone else I know personally, but at the same time I start and never follow-through with more things than any one I know, which makes me sort of unreliable and flighty.

I don't know when it all started, but I don't really remember being like this before getting sick. There's a certain amount of "why bother?" mentality that I've picked up. I've gained strength in some areas of life, especially for trying new things, but lost the self-confidence needed to commit or do anything successfully. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone.

There are a lot of little things. Blogging is a good place to start. I said I would blog at least once a week... that has gone... meh... and then if you look back at the number of posts I've started but never finished, you would probably be shocked. Ideas get away from me, or I totally lose interest, or it's so important an idea that I don't want to fuck it up, so I think I'll always come back to it. What I'm even worse at is writing stuff for other people and web sites. It's like I try so hard to get my ideas perfect, and then I just sort of give up. And then I flake out on the job. This actually spilled over into a research project I was doing. Interesting topic, but it was a lot of work for zero money. And I just flaked. I fucked it up, a potential job, something to go on my resume, and I did so much work on it, and just never finished or responded to the last e-mail from my boss. I have no idea whats wrong with me. That's just stupid. Its like busting your ass to build a bridge and blowing it to all hell.

The lack of follow-through can be seen in my inability to make phone calls, return phone calls, schedule doctor's appointments, and even studying. A lot of times I just flat out forget.

Lack of follow-through then ties right in with a lack of commitment. I am a commitment phobe. Ironic for someone who seems to always over commit themselves. Earlier, I was afraid to really apply for jobs just in case I failed the Bar and needed to study again. The fitness challenge; the only reason I haven't signed up is that I'm afraid to commit to something until May. That's a long time to commit to something when my whole world could easily change by then. Too many "what ifs".... What if I get a job somewhere else, what if there's another freak accident, what if the cancer comes back? Because lets face it, Feb-may, not a good time for me to start new things. That's when I do check-ups and testing. That's usually when a bad diagnosis comes in. How can I ask for jobs that start in March if I can be fairly certain that I'll need to be doing thryogen injections and probably an MRI or something along those lines during that time?

Is that normal? For those of you out there also playing the limbo cancer game, do you try to plan out your life on the bad things that might happen, just in case?


Oh, and finally, I resolve to get a job and move out of my parents house this year.

1 comment:

Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

Great Blog! You are a credit to the cancer blogging community. I have added you to my blogroll, “Cancer Blogs” with over 700 other cancer blogs at, a cancer networking site featuring a cancer book club, guest blogs, cancer resources, reviews and more.
If you have not visited in a while, please stop by. If you agree that the site is a worthwhile resource for those affected by cancer, please consider adding Being Cancer to your own blogroll. And like bloggers everywhere, I love receiving your comments and ideas.
Take care, Dennis