PHD Cancer Comic

What do you remember?

It is a little known fact that I don't remember the summer after my first year of law school. This isn't much of an exaggeration. The year after my thyroidectomy, I had a neck dissection, and I can't tell you what I did.

The first time I experienced issues with my memory and thought process in general was a week after my thyroid came out. Being me, I only took a week off from school... I mean, I was graduating in a couple months, I wasn't about to put my life on hold. And being fairly confident about being fairly smart, I went and wrote a paper, even after my prof. told me I could wait. I couldn't make things make sense. I met with my prof. we both looked at it, and I bluntly said that I couldn't understand what it was supposed to be about. This was terrifying, and demoralizing.

And then, a few months later, I went to law school. There's a part of me that just attributed how much trouble I've had in law school to the fact that, well, its law school. But some things have been seriously noticeable. I can't read as fast. I can't remember everything I read. I have a hard time connecting some ideas without writing them out first, and even then my ideas have never been the same as they were. Its hard to explain. And then after a year, someone is giving a lecture and they told my support group about how losing your thyroid, or being hypothyroid affects memory... and suddenly, it isn't just you.

I've been reading stuff on Cancer Planet (see link on the side bar)... and it sounds like memory and intelligence issues is nothing new to cancer patients. I feel like things have gotten a lot better, but aren't where they were. Does anyone out there, who have gotten over treatment stages feel like things have gotten better for you? It would be something good to know.

Nothing to do with Cancer

This post has absolutely nothing to do with cancer, its a part of something else I have been working on, and I feel a need to share it everywhere!

This year I have been participating in a Street Law and Human Rights Education project. It was run as an independent study course. Basically, we go out and teach kids about their human rights. I, along with two of my classmates, was working in Braddock, with the Braddock Youth Project. You may have heard blips about Braddock recently, as the Mayor, John Fetterman, has made appearances on the Colbert Report and Fox News, and made statements in the New York Times. If you don't know anything about the town, I would say give the wiki article a read through before watching the documentary:

So, we worked with kids 14-18. And as a final project, we interviewed a few of the kids, and had them write and act out skits about things that they thought were important or relevant to their own lives. They were the writers, actors, and producers. We didn't even get to video tape. We did the editing, but that was just putting things in order; we didn't edit for content or because we didn't like an idea or thought it might be a little bit too controversial. I'm quite proud of the whole project, and hope that it gives you some insight into things. Oh and the opening scene, that's the Mayor of Braddock...

Where everybody knows your name...

I'm moving away from Pittsburgh in about 35 days. This means a lot of saying goodbye to a lot of things. I've been living up here for 8 years... that means the entire time that I've been sick, I've lived here. All my doctors are here. I actually know how to navigate the hospitals. And everyone knows me.

There is a large part of me that is going to miss this. I've already talked about how losing my last doctor and nurse was pretty upsetting. But now I'll be losing my receptionists that just wave me through without an escort to the test labs. My pharmacist who knows my entire medical history, and gives me heads up on cheaper better versions of my allergy meds, and has no problems putting in special orders for my levels of levoxyl. Even my surgeon knows me... actually hugs me. I have an eye doctor that questions me about what its like to own turtles, and a voice doctor who deemed it appropriate to pelt me with stress ball. Part of the reason they all adopted my case was because of how young i was,and the problems that came along w/ my particular experience... I somehow doubt that kind of relationship can be developed again.

But at the same time, it will be good to leave a lot of it behind. For one thing... the pharmacists scare me. There's 3 or 4 of them... and they all know my name... First and last, and how to spell it... just by looking at me. I'm only there like once a month... just its been once a month during the school year for the past 4 years. The one pharmacist hits on me... its amusing... b/c he's like in his mid 30's... and he'd by my type, if not so old... but he kept telling me how much he'd miss me etc... which is awkward.

And maybe it would be nice not to be made a big deal of... There's something to be said about not having everyone know you. It sort of implies that you aren't there all the time. I'd almost rather just being that anonymous face that just pops into the office once in a while... no special circumstances. I guess its just me realizing I'm ready to move on. And I don't think I can until I give up the comforts of staying here.

Faith

My fish died today. It's Easter Sunday... which, as usual, I've spend alone. And the beta fish, whose name is Fish, that I have had since August of 2007. So he's lived a fairly long life, but then just... died. There are a lot of eerie things tied to this, that aren't at all relevant to this blog. But then I've sat here all day, watching Turner Classic Movies and all the Easter stories, and it got me to thinking about faith.

I rarely if ever talk about religion these days, unless it is in jest, or if it is to muse over my aspirations as a young child to become a priest, only to discover that under Catholicism, women can't be priests. When we missed church, I used to actually gather my stuffed animals together and break bread for them.

Now the next bit will irk a lot of you. You shouldn't let it. It isn't an attack... if anything, for those of you who have kept your faith through all you've been through, I envy you. I used to pray, and find comfort with prayer, but that changed one day, very suddenly.

I was in the radiology waiting room. Praying before going in for an ultrasound. When I looked over at a girl in her late teens. Clearly with severe down-syndrom. With what appeared to be grandparents. But she also was clearly undergoing chemo. And I never felt anything so sinking as the feeling i felt when i looked at her and her family... it was a mixture of anger, and frustration, and irritation with how i could ask God to help me and look after me for a test when there was someone else sitting not 20 feet from me that clearly needed more attention... or something like that. And then I pulled myself away from her and tried to comfort myself again in prayer, but it didn't work, there was no comfort. That was the first time i had an ultra sound where they didn't biops my neck for a change.

And so now I find, if i pray, it's usually for someone other than myself. It is awkward for me when I get a card in the mail from my Grandfather saying they have people praying for me at this or that church. Sort of like I feel like those prayers should be saved for someone with more faith than me. One day my dentist asked me how being sick had affected my relationship with God and tried to give me a book and things... that was a little awkward. I don't need to be preached to. I have my beliefs still. But as you read through my blog, you won't find me talking about faith, or how God has gotten me through things, it just isn't my way.