The Least Common Denominator of Death and Illness

When I first wrote this post on Friday afternoon, things were different. Rather than change the original post, I decided to just write this bit at the beginning. Our close family friend, Pat Stetic lost her battle against cancer tonight. All of my thoughts go out to her and her family. RIP Pup, you will missed.

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Being told I have cancer, again, and again, and again has sort of worn down my reaction to the news... at least my initial reaction.

But in a scary new way its started happening when I'm told something is wrong w/ a friend/family member. I like to believe I'm not really cold. And I care, I really do care, and I think about it... but I just seem to be lacking the emotional response. And I'm thinking that it might have something to do with just how bombarded I have been lately with bad news.

I guess it started w/ my aunt dying in May. Then my cousin on my dad's side committed suicide in October. It was discovered that my mom's dad had two aneurysm. He went to have surgery on the one, but it became a more complicated and invasive surgery because he has so much tar built up in his system that they couldn't get to it. He was in the hospital for a week over Thanksgiving. My step dad's mom got three bad reports in one day. Her cousin, a woman who I networked with about a year ago in an attempt to get a job, was diagnosed w/ a rare cancer and given a week to live. A close friend, and my neighbor that I've shared drinks with caught a lung disease and died w/in the week. And a very close family friend, who I have been close with as well, took a turn for the worse in her fight against cancer. We were told just before thanksgiving that she was only expected to live another day or two... she's still hanging on. That day, my step-dad's mom ended up in the hospital w/ crushed vertibra. She came home, and a week later was back w/ blood clots and pneumonia just in time to spend Thanksgiving there. The brother of my cousin who died ended up in a major car accident, but is doing better. But then his dad had a heart attack last friday, after thanksgiving; thankfully he is back in good health this week. Then today one of my friends informed us that her husband was just diagnosed with testicular cancer.

I'm emotionally numb at this point. My mom, she can cry at a drop of a dime and openly show how distraught and attached to people she is. I can't. I don't know why. I think my reaction emotions are all mental. I tend to think and dwell on these things. For the last bit of news, my reaction was more of a "finally, someone I may actually be able to support and be helpful." It's also hard to know how to react because of how distant I really am from all these people. I've felt like a perpetual third wheel to all sides of the family for most of my life. Often, even telling me what's going on is sort of an afterthought.

I wish I could be closer to people, especially my family. It took me years to get back in touch with my dad's side of the family. He lost touch with them, there was a fallout between them and my mom over a bad joke. And I was the one left out, growing up with the knowledge that family can in fact cut you out. Mom's side of the family isn't much better. I don't think anyone has made any attempt at interacting with me as an adult... maybe my aunt a little bit. But no one ever calls me just to talk or anything. I just don't feel like I have a relationship with any of them. Love them, care about them... but not attached. And my step dad's family... well, closest thing I've known to having extended family around, but i came into the family at about 13... and will always sort of be the random step child.