Some people live under the gun, i live under the knife

There's a problem that runs in my family. People have a tendency to like to be sick, or a need to go into surgery, or something like that. I read up on this a while back ago... about how a lot of people feel the need for surgery as a way of getting attention, sympathy, etc. I didn't even tell most of my friends i was getting surgery. The story goes, my parents came home while i was in the hospital and my roommate didn't even know why they were there... this is why you should read e-mails from your friends... on occasion they have important information... I also hate sympathy, doctors treat me a lot like I'm glass... I hate being hugged. I mean arbitrary hugs... hugs where people just walk through the motions... or worse expect me to. There's very few people i hug with meaning... saying goodbye, or to maybe someone i love I'll hug tightly out of fear it'll be the last chance I'll have to do so. Basically the point is i don't like the attention... Nor am i particular fan to pain... and I really don't like painkillers... most don't work for me... vicadin makes me puke... codeine has no effect... I'm not doing it for the high.

So why all the fuss about "another surgery"? Didn't I say recently that I got my first clean bill of health? (if i didn't, i apologize... i did get a clean bill of health for the first time in 4 years)... no, now I'm trying to fix all the things that got broken. December 10th will be my 4th surgery. This time around it is to fix my tear duct... or to be more precise, my tear drain. I have watery eyes. Not just a little watery... but rather the kind of watery where I'll be doing absolutely nothing and a tear will just slide down my face. Its mainly my right eye... though the left wells up in the cold from time to time. It started in Feb. 2006. I got it checked out... they said it was from wearing my contacts too much and it was just a case of dry eye. Yes, dry watery eyes. The way the explained it was that certain glands dried up from my contacts and they had enzymes that moisten the eye, so the eye thought it was dry no matter how wet it got. so they had me microwave a sock full of rice and put it on my eyes for 10 minutes twice a day. I wish I were joking.

The annoying issues came first. Constantly being in a state of tears is a little overwhelming. And oh the people who try to hug you, ask if everything is ok... But nothing is wrong... of course after a while you can use it to hide when you might actually be tearing up. For me the hard part is the fact that I'm a law student. I stand up and i talk, and argue, and do things in front of people all the time. When i get nervous, you better believe the tears well up. Nothing is worse being mid competition or a job interview with tears running down your face.

And they aren't real tears. I've done my fair share of crying over the past few years, and I've found that when i really cry, my tears are saltier. This is just water coming out with only a hint of salt.

The second issue, the far more serious issue, are the physical effects. In the past year the tears got to the point of not just being a moist eye but being full blown tears that roll down your cheeks all the time. You are always touching your eyes. They get minor infections. Eyes get crusty at night, sort of mucousy for a week... i can't tell you how many times i went to the doctor thinking i had pink eye. And then my contacts started getting blurry, and fall out a lot... which is annoying and a health issue. So i decided something needed done.

By this point I had heard that a lot of people who get I-131 treatment have problems w/ their tear ducts. And my doctor recommended me to someone deals with this kind of case regularly.

I got poked and prodded. They actually stuck needles in my eyes (like that rhyme... cross my heart hope to die stick a needle in my eye-- I'm so using this on my kids... and tell them i lied once and got 3 needles in the eyes)... ok so they weren't exactly needles... they were syringe needles... and it wasn't exactly my eye... but the little tear ducts in the corners... they stuck the needle in the hole in tried to inject them with water. this is easily the most weird feeling on the planet... and even worse when you feel the liquid go in, get blocked, and spurt out again... that's just weird.

And so now... yet another surgery. heh... and another scar. They'll make an incision under my eye and stick in a new drainage tube between my tear duct and nose... which they'll have to break some bone to do. i can only hope that this works... I feel a lot like I'm working on picking up the pieces left over from being sick, and trying to stick them all back in place again... stopping the tears would be surprisingly big.