Post-Interview debriefing

I wasn't going to post again, but I had to.

The interview was fantastic, really,... and all I want to do is go home, curl up in a ball, and cry.

How f*kd up is that?

There was a panel of 8 people. It was kind of like a Chinese fire drill meets Monty Python's Spanish inquisition. They questioned my travels, why I was interested in defense work, etc. Poked fun at me for knowing the cops in the city. Sold me on how awesome working there would be, and how great of an experience it is. Then as I left the berated me with information and tips for passing the Bar. I don't remember the last time I slipped so easily into stride w/ a group of people. But they are basically all my friends transposed into new bodies. People interested in public interest work aren't your usual lawyers. They were all in late 20's early 30's (more or less). I was comfortable, and could see being happy, though poor, there.

So, why am I sitting in a library choking back the urge to cry?

First thought, what if I don't get the job? That would suck. I almost didn't want to like the interview so that if I didn't get the job I wouldn't be disappointed.

Second thought, if I got it, would I be settling? Its a safe job. Near home, could commute if I really wanted to save some cash. Its a very relaxed job (sort of)... would I get too comfortable doing something that comes easy to me? Is the safe job the way to go? Safe, reasonable, prudent, practical... always the way I deal with things.

Am I giving up on an international job search? Is practicality winning out?

What is it that I even want anymore? When did I stop aiming for my dreams, and instead started looking for things that were safe and practical?

I don't know.

The Cancer Sniffer

Not a big post today, but rather something I ran across, and thought I would share:

Cancer Sniffer

This just links to an article about the basics, but it gets the idea across.

Basically a chemical nose can smell cancer cells, and can log the markers for later reference. Does this mean an eventual end to biopsies??? Bloodwork??? How awesome would that be?!?!

Strategizing for a job interview when you have cancer

I'm taking a mini-break from my endless bar prep, to stress for tomorrow's upcoming event. A job interview.

I feel like this is one of the biggest areas where young adult cancer survivors are more or less totally screwed. My doctor never gave me any advice or pamphlets on how to handle getting your first real job. There are discrimination laws and things, but really, from a practical standpoint how much do they really help?

From a rational employer's perspective, I wouldn't want to hire someone with cancer. Especially someone still getting treatments, or with positive cancer markers. I wouldn't want an employee who needed to take off every few months for tests; who has a consistent history of having to have surgeries and radiation. They may be great candidates, but really... why would I want to hire someone like that? And even more so, why hire someone like that who is just starting out? Who has no real experience? I mean, back in the day people w/ disabilities did great things all the time, in today's world, do you really think FDR in his wheelchair could be president, or Churchill and his alcoholism?

So this is the laundry list of things I've replayed a dozen or so million times in my head when it comes to interviews.

1. Do I hide the fact I have cancer, simply neglect to point it out, or sort of throw it right up front in the lime light?

I throw it right on my resume. Granted its at the bottom, and it's subtle, but I write on there that I am a member of Thyca: the Thyroid Cancer Survivor Association. I do this for a handful of reasons, but mainly b/c I've decided, if an employer looks at that and decides not to hire me, well then I don't really want to work for them anyways. For the others, I look to use it as a talking point in interviews. Let me tell you about how I've been fighting cancer while at the same time completing both law and grad school at the same time.

I've found, a lot more people are touched by thyroid cancer than you would think. Or it can be a way to relate to people. If I can turn it into a strength and not a weakness.

2. I can't hide my scar

I have about a 6 inch scare that runs across the center of my neck. Most people don't notice b/c its so big. I find interviewers are judging you in every way, especially how you look and present yourself. I've had one person look at my resume and then tell me they see my scar. It threw me off, and it sort of shook me up. I think I can deal with that now. Human curiosity looks for these things.

3. I have gaps and hiccups in my resume

For all of the awesome things that I have done while dealing with cancer, the unfortunate fact is, being sick has had it's costs as far as my professional life goes. 1st thing that a prospective employer will notice is that my GPA is low. My first year of law school, I was in and out of testing, had 2 surgeries, recurrance, a paralyzed vocal cord, and started hypo hell during finals. If i could have, I would have taken the year off. I get so angry at myself when I blame cancer for my grades; but since first year i believe i've pulled a 3.7 GPA between the two schools. So about a 3.5, 3.6 in law school. I have no idea how to tell that to someone. I did once, during an interview for a research assistant position, but I was comfortable with him, and everyone in law school talks. But he asked me how on earth I could get a 2.4 one year and then the next semester a 3.9.

2nd thing they notice, is that on my list of activities, I was never on a legal journal. In case you haven't noticed already, I like to write. I'm confident enough to say that I'm pretty good at it. And I love doing research. If you don't make it onto a journal your first year via your grades, then you are able to write-on at the end of each year. Well... first year=neck dissection, second= low iodine diet/radiation, third= dossimetry. This is the first spring where I didn't go into finals either going hypo, or pumped full of thyrogen. So, sitting and writing under those conditions. I could have done it. Maybe I was just lazy. At least thats how it looks on a resume.

3rd thing they notice is that I didn't work the summer after my first year. Again, neck dissection and radiation. I was out. I don't remember that summer. It still totally freaks me out.

And 4th, I didn't work at a firm. I chose far more awesome, less practical jobs. And I went where they offered me money too. I worked in Cambodia and Germany. Anyone can work in a firm; I actually like living my life.

4. So you're in remission, right?

This question blows. It's automatically assumed if I've got hair, 2 degrees, and am in an interview, clearly I must be in remission. Nevermind, that technically, they can't ask me that. Not legally, but what lawyers ever pay attention to that. I mention the hair thing b/c its assumed that cancer=chemo=no hair, remission=hair. But my irritation isn't why I dislike the question. The answer is.

I'm not exactly in remission. I'm in freak limbo. I don't want to lie. I don't want to go into the long drawn out explanation of why it doesn't matter. What it comes down to is that they want to know if I'm functional enough to work. Which I am. No matter what their preconceived notion of what having cancer means. But its also true I'll need time off to do testing. I'm not in the clear, technically. Most jobs you can glaze over this fact. I of course want to work for the government, or other physically demanding jobs, that require background checks and medical reports. *If you are someone performing a check on me, I am perfectly functional for working in any condition... my doctor said so!

So on top of the normal stress of graduating and trying to find my first job; trying to find a job in one of the worst economic crisis to hit the US in a while; the first to hit the lawyer job market; and not to mention just normal interview jitters, I'm consumed by trying to figure out how to give explanations about my past, and be convincing that I don't really have issues that would be detrimental in the future. I feel like it requires a certain level of self confidence and certainty that I'm afraid I just haven't been feeling lately.

Oh, and I could really, really, really, use something big to go my way right now.

Fitness Log #1

Fitness log?!?! Wait? What?! What happened to talking about the thyca?

Well, it all sort of ties in together, and at the end of today's post, I'm thinking of issuing a challenge. But first I need to talk in long, convoluted sentences until I actually hammer out the details in my head of what exactly I want that challenge to be.

The basic role of the thyroid is this: control metabolism. I'm not going to tell you all the science involved. If you've made it to my blog, you've probably already taken a fairly active role in investigating the thyroid for yourself, and not being a doctor I would literally be regurgitating all the information that I've found over the years, which isn't what I want to do.

What I do want to do, is tell you what happened to me. I didn't just steadily gain weight, it came in waves, and not knowing anything about thyroids, I just contributed it to various things. I'm about to do something terrifying... reveal my weight... dun dun duuuuuuuuuun.

In 2000, I weighed 132lbs and would jump to 145 depending on the season. Between January-June 2001, I gained weight to be 160 lbs. In the fall of 2001, I dropped all the fattiness, to be 162 lbs, but fitting a size 9 (US)... normally 145 puts you in about a 10-12 size range. I was a lot of muscle. Then 2002 there was a creep up to 170, and then between February and May 2003, I suddenly jumped to the 190s, not muscle. I dipped below the 190's in 2004 when I was running around Europe, but overall I've been on a steady increase, usually gaining about 8-10 lbs during surgeries or radiation, dropping it back, putting it back on, but always seeming to add a little more. Until this year where I went from 204-215 in about a 3 week period. My all time high for weight was 218.

In 2002 there was an overwhelming synchronization of events, all of which have probably contributed in no small part to me just gaining a lot of weight, but also convinced me that it was sort of normal.

1) I was a soph0more in college... I've labeled my tummy my beer baby
2) I stopped playing volleyball competitively, so no more 2-8 hours of running, jumping, etc on a daily basis
3) I went on birth control shots (very bad idea)

Then one day I went and saw my doctor about it, and he ran tests on my blood work because we all thought it was weird, and it turned up nothing. About 2 months later my obgyn asked me if I knew I had an enlarged thyroid.

I can't say that my thyroid made me a fatty. Like I said, there were a lot of things going on. But I know my tumor was fairly large and had spread, sort of indicating it had been there for quite some time.

The biggest problem I think about having a thyroid condition and dealing with your weight and fitness, is in fact the mental stigma you create out of it. You have no thyroid, how are you supposed to jumpstart it to start metabolizing better and faster. How do you raise your metabolism when it is controlled by a pill? Its another one of those things that make me just generally feel helpless about dealing with the whole cancer issue as a whole. And even worse it makes me feel like weight control and general fitness is an uphilll battle... in the mud, at a 90 degree angle.

Has cancer already affected my self-image, confidence, etc? Well, yeah. Then I moved back home. My step-dad did this total body fitness challenge from January-May; he lost 61 lbs. Staring at someone who was able to drop the weight for a week is enough to motivate just about anyone to get out of their funk.

So I have signed up at Any Time Fitness, and I'm working with a personal trainer. Just for two months right now. 1 hour twice a week. She's changed my diet, has me running, etc. I started working with her on my birthday (June 1) and have dropped 3.5 lbs. It isn't a lot, but it is a start, and I already feel my muscles getting back into their groove.

Its a good time to do this for me. It breaks up studying for the bar exam, and is helping me not snack on comfort foods 24/7 while studying. I'm also in a major transition point in life where I have nearly half a year in limbo. What better time to make myself better. And mentally its cool too. I look at what happened at the end of my time in Pittsburgh, and what I've learned over the last few check-ups, and I'm realizing this might be the best way for me to stick it to the thyca, and regain some basic control over this small thing in my life.

I think each week, or everyother week I'll throw up a fitness log to show my progress. Not so much for bragging rights, I swear, but for other people struggling with their weight, having the mental block w/ thyca, etc. It provides motivation for me to keep up with it, but I think if you are like me... seeing someone in your position doing it, might be the boost you need. (like my step-dad is for me).

So my challenge, should you choose to accept it, is this. Take control of this part of your life, whether it be losing those extra pounds or getting into better shape (ie building up and toning some muscle). I'm not saying go get yourself a trainer. Thats mad wicked expensive. I got the trainer as a birthday/graduation present, and threw in graduation money. But there are enough free resources online, and basic common sense to start off with. If your interested, maybe we can build a little support group; maybe let people do some guest blogging if they do well? Thoughts?

Would you like to take a survey?

So I've been juggling around about 50 different ideas of things I would really like to blog about. I think its kind of a side-effect of getting picked up by Wellsphere Health Blog Network, really getting into the different resources that are available out there for cancer survivors, and pure whole hearted effort to procrastinate and avoid studying. Not to mention I'm trying to space out blog posts; maybe write them and not post, so I have things around for weeks when not much is going on (yes, I'm putting in the effort of making this at least, a weekly blog).

But today's topic trumped all the others because I'm guessing it is a little more time sensitive. It is a survey about how cancer has affected your sexual life. I'll be honest, it's awkward to take. It's about 30 minutes of personal questions rating everything from emotions and feelings, to how you consider yourself in bed. I realize that a lot of you might be totally turned off by this, which I understand. But the purpose is to see the difference between people w/ cancer and people without when it comes to sexuality.

I have my own opinions about cancer and sex, and how much "the system" and doctors address the issue. I'm going to save those for a later post, maybe after the results from this study come out.

So here is the link:
The Sexual Self of Young Adult Cancer Survivors and as Compared to their Healthy Peers

Please take the quiz, and pass it along. It is for both cancer survivors and people w/out cancer.

Thanks!