Let's have a conversation about medical malpractice.

Before I get into it, let me say the construction is near completion. I require some colored pencils, and a bit more html coding, and it should be golden. But all the links work. I can't express how proud I am to have figured out how to do it all.

But now on to today's topic. The reason that it has come up for me is that my mom is having surgery today on her foot. The first time she had surgery it was this time last year. They used a donor bone graft to replace some broken bones. The graft didn't hold and her foot shattered. This led to another surgery in January. They put in some pins, and plate that was supposed to stay in for 2 years.

Now the pin holding that plate in place is rubbing against a bone and I believe hitting a nerve. This has caused immense amounts of pain and swelling, and she hasn't been able to return to work. Over the past few weeks we learned that it wasn't that the pin was the wrong size, but rather that the doctor turned the screw two notches too tight. Now, he is removing both the pin, and the plate in her foot (the one that was supposed to be in there for 2 years). He said she doesn't need it b/c the bone is healed.

So is this malpractice? Should she be paying for this surgery correcting the doctor's mistake? He's a reputable doctor. He's been both mine and her foot doctor for years. We have a relationship with him. Comfortable. Trusting. But well, things went wrong.

I think at some point in our cancer experiences, most people go through something like this. Where your gut feeling says, something is quite right here. Second guessing doctors, especially on life and death decisions seems incredibly natural. That's why we get second opinions, right? But when should we be standing up to our doctors if mistakes are made? Where is the line between normal hazard and an actual mistake? When should we become sue happy? If we sue what are we suing for?

During my first surgery, my surgeon nicked my vocal nerve, paralyzing my left vocal fold. The neck is a delicate area full of nerves, and I knew there was a risk of something like that happening. But once it did, and then paying for voice therapy, lypo injections, choking on my on spit, not being able to raise my voice in class or when out w/ friends... you start questioning whether the doctor botched the surgery, and maybe, at a minimum they should be the ones paying for putting you back together. But in my case, I reread through the reports from my surgery. I read about how my cancer was touching, nearly wrapping around the nerve.

When my surgeon met up with my parents, she was nervous to tell them what happened. Admission of a mistake, or was she more shaken that there was nothing she could do to avoid such injury? She's been lableled as one of the top thyroid surgeons in the world. She remembers me... yes a surgeon recognizes and remembers me. She's the one that told me that yeah, it was probably mentally healthy for me to drink and that I did in fact need to cry. I am comfortable with her. I trust her. And basically my judgment is that, if I needed a similar surgery again, I would go to her first (and did, until she sent me to someone more specialized in neck dissections).

I very purposely did not take health law in law school. I took disability discrimination, which each day made me a complete mess, often sending me into a downward spiral of "what if's". I can see a lawsuit for most issues. You don't want that when you need to trust your doctors. You almost don't even want to tell your doctors you're a lawyer... they get edgy. But at the same time I regret that I didn't learn about what my rights really are. How to stand up for myself, when I need to; or to stand up for my mom.

And finally, my doctor from up north has informed me that I'm not to use any local doctors here. That I should go to DC, or to only use doctors at major Universities, especially b/c of how complicated my situation is. So, if I do have to see a small local doctor, and he starts doing things that are outdated, do I tell him he's wrong? Is he liable for malpractice? I've talked to soooo many other thyca patients whose doctors have them doing things that shock the conscience. Whether its long waits, or using proceedures that seem arcaic, I wonder what kind of standards these doctors should be held to, and what rights we as the patients have to mandate getting the most quality care.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Dear Everyone,

The Blog is under a lot of construction right now. Instead of studying for the bar exam, I'm learning html code, trying to throw on some static pages, putting up new links and badges, and I actually went through and spell checked things! There's labels on all the posts, and a Cloud Label box now. But beware... until you see a regular post from me, there may just be links to nothingness...

Do I look funny?

So, I'm having one of those really just bizarre days, but in a good way... That is until I decided on today's post topic. It all started when I was eating lunch, and suddenly, this fox walks up to me. Now I don't live in the country. I'm in the middle of Virginia Beach, on Regent University's campus, eating a sandwich in between my bar prep class and sitting in the library. And then there was a fox. He kinda just looked at me, I looked at him, and then he just trotted away into some bushes.

So then I was listening to the Stupid Cancer Show. If you don't know, its a blog radio show, that I'm sure I'll have a whole post dedicated to at some point. Its very good; Monday nights 9pm eastern. If you go on, there's a live chat room, I go by robs723 and enjoy talking to people. Anywho, tonight's episode was all about sex and cancer, and I somehow managed to win a book by asking a question.

Now my question kind of got cut in two thanks to how much I could type in the chat box, so it got answered sort of awkwardly. But basically, it was how do you talk to a partner about how to be touched. The first part of the question that got lost described how I have no feeling from under my left ear and the left underside of my chin, through my left shoulder, and down into my chest. Nerve damage from a neck dissection. It screwed up everything from my golf game to how I like to be touched intimately. It kind of gives me the willies to have a light caress in that area that I can't really feel, or worse, a hard one that feels like pins and needles. Can you tell a guy not to touch you there... how do you get over how that feels? Can they tell that something is wrong? Do they get upset if you don't respond quite right? That was what I meant to be my full question.

So then it started me thinking about how I've looked since surgery. How one of my eyes squints more than the other when I smile. In general how the left side of my face, at least to me seems to hang ever so slightly. I wonder if my left arm or shoulder does the same. And so I got to wondering... "Do I look funny; awkward; a little off?" I'm pretty sure in my mind it is all exaggerated a little bit more; but I go through pictures and I see little differences, and see images of me where I just look weird. I mean maybe that's why I can't seem to find a guy to date; maybe they all look at me and see the weird and off balanced features that I see?

Little pet anxieties, and insecurities. And it isn't something anyone can make you feel better about. If they say they don't see what you are talking about, they are just trying to be nice and reassuring; if they actually don't see it, it's because they aren't used to looking at your face all the time, or didn't know you before. These are the thoughts that run through our minds and leave us in a perpetual circle of insecurity. I wish I could give you all some magic advice about how to overcome the thoughts; but I can't. I struggle with them to an obsessive point, cry about them at night, if I'm having a particularly sensitive day, and then blog when I can't think of any other way to get them out of my head.

a few things

1. I thought about last night's rant... and I think whats bothering me the most about my mom is that she's supposed to be the person that is there being the most supportive and understanding, and she isn't, and I don't have anyone else right now, especially b/c I moved away from my support network.

2. I finally got the call about the marble sized lump in my neck. Apparently its just a normal lymph node... which is finally decreasing in size... so YAY to that.

3. I found this comic. Its awful how much I love cancer comics. Especially really offensive ones... they make non-cancer people squirm... and i just find them amusing... this one, isn't so much bad, as it is how a lot of us feel when we're waiting for surgery or whaterver...


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Mine

This is a rant... you can read if you want, but its mainly stuff i just needed to get off my chest, and is only the tip of an ice burg on a collision course.

I've recently moved home, and have been dealing with a whole whirlwind of issues that come along with being home, generally revolving around my mother. I love my mom, but she's a little much to handle, and there are things she just doesn't get.

For my birthday, my step dad is getting me a personal trainer. I think this is fantastic and couldn't come at a better time when i need the esteem boost and a fairly set rigorous schedule. He's been working with one since January, entered a weight loss competition, and dropped 61 lbs. So, I'm jumping on board. He gave me a bit to read about the science behind weight loss, etc... but the very first page talks about ways to stimulate t3 and t4 production, and how important thyroid hormone is to weight loss. This is possibly the worst thing to start off with when you are missing a thyroid and you take a set pill of t3 and t4, and no one has been able to explain how you raise your metabolism w/ out thyroid hormone... I'm a humanities major, not a biology major... I've tried asking my endo, but the just tell me about general exercise and cutting portions... sorry, i'm getting a bit side tracked... But I brought this fact up at dinner, mainly b/c a lot of my step dad's routine is based around boosting thyroid hormone production. He tells me that he talked with the trainer he's hooking me up with and she's worked w/ thyroid cancer patients before and they'd design a program for me. Mom on the other hand, responded by saying I couldn't blame all my weight gain on thyroid cancer because she knew someone else without a thyroid, who just learned how to eat right, and then became a nutritionist and she maintains her weight.

She has a lot to say about what I shouldn't be blaming on being sick. I've considered printing all the material on thyroid cancer, treatment, and side effects, particularly from chat rooms, blogs, and forums to have her sit and read, and let it soak in that in reality, i don't publicize (ok i publicize, obviously, hence the blog)I don't publicize with my everyday people every thing, some big, some small, that has really gone on, and what I tend to work with on my own.

Whats sparked me on this post is seemingly pretty petty, and not entirely cancer related, but it has to do with how she treats things that are mine. She has this giant stain glass work table thing, which she decided, to put under my bed... on top of my undergrad diploma... and the $300+ diploma frame that I won in a raffle, during my very first week of hypo hell. The whole thing is totally scratched and damaged now (if you know how to fix scratches in polished wood, let me know). Its probably one of the nicest things I will ever own. And she was all, "there was nothing under your bed... "etc. She didn't apologize, or say, well lets see if it can be fixed, or anything. And when I was moving, I went to pick up the U-haul, i had all the awards, pictures, and other odds and ends that i had had on my fridge in a pile, to be put in side a book, or something to keep them flat... she just took a trash bag, and threw everything in it... wine racks, rugs, shot glasses... and i'm like... wow, glad to see you even give the slightest about my things. And that's how all my stuff has been treated the past few years.

Oh, and she doesn't approve of what I do and don't keep. Now I've always been a pack rat to a certain extent. I actually think i've gotten better over the years, but there are still things I keep. Especially now... when I feel like I forget far more than I remember... I feel like having something there as a reminder helps keep memories in tact. Does anyone else out there find that after being sick, you place ridiculous sentimental value on the most random things?

I've been playing the grin and bare it game. Nothing new for me... I've never fought back or stood up for myself. Ironic for someone who's about to be a lawyer. If I tell her my opinions, or stand up for myself, she cries. She's bossy and needy, and tends to only see how things affect her. If I'm sick, its all about how she reacts and how she gets sick worrying about me being sick (this is everything from the sniffles to cancer). It really becomes about how stressful things are on her. I think i've mentioned before, that i've always been the hand holder of the family. How I tend to shy away from getting the attention from being sick. I generally don't like the hugging, and the "i'm sorries"... I think i've also mentioned that i've lost a lot my compassion for other people's problems. So to be home, and having mom push and exaggerate every ailment (she's only 47), ache, and problem in her life, to wander around the house for a day talking about how she's "mentally depressed"... for one day... Especially when a lot of the things wrong w/ her, she does to herself, or she can make better using basic common sense... I've solved her problems like 50 times recently, and both my dad and step-dad have turned to me, and said "you know you are just talking to a wall, you can't talk common-sense to her." And so it boils down to me telling her to suck it up; i can't respect someone and handle being bullied/and/or treated like a teenager by someone so utterly childish.

Again, sorry for the rant... i just needed to clear my head... mainly so i can continue keeping my cool.