hahahahahahaahaha

Laughter... thats about where I'm at right now.... sickly twisted, demented laughter.

This post was going to be about how last night i finally cried. Not a good hard cry... but i cried all the same... and all due to the fact that i looked down at my left forearm and there was a bruise that stretches three inches long and is about an inch wide... and it just maid me wail.

But then there was today. Now my right arm/wrist started hurting midday yesterday... I thought maybe i pulled something or whatever. then it started to swell. then today, from the injection site on the back of my right hand, and running all the way to my elbow, you can see a nice red line where my vein is. I just spent the past 3 hours sitting in an ER. My arm is HUGE. you can't even see the knuckles or bones in my hand move. and it hurts like a bitch. I'm on a lot of advil. Apparently, some meds cause this reaction. Superficial Phlebitis, "Phlebitis is the name for inflammation of a vein. This results in local redness, swelling, warmth and pain. This may occur after medicine has been given by vein as a result of the irritating effect of the medicine." Of course this took a day to affect me... 2 to actually get me to the ER.

It just sucks. There's no eloquence about it. No touching poems. No long descriptive words. This is, I needed to study to take the MPRE on Saturday (ethics portion of the bar exam), and the number one leading guy in my field of research did a lecture today, and instead of doing either of these things, I was stuck in an ER... a crappy ER where they had me thrown amongst wheel chairs, they didn't even bother to get me a room or bed, next to some guy with a nasty case of the flu. It throbs to type... you know... b/c i've got a giant mellon for a hand.

I'm sooooooooo tired of always having to just deal with things. Its bull shit. People always think your soooo strong. Also bull shit... you deal with it b/c there is no other option. So as usual, i'm immediately back in the library. Studying. Missed one of those great life opportunities to meet someone I want to be when i grow up... but hey, what would i of had to say anyways, right?

I need a lot that i'm just not getting right now... I just have to keep pushing for a few more days, then maybe I can just collapse for a while.

A certian level of reckless

I have to say w/ being sick, there comes about a certain level of reckless. There's a certain need to feel a certain high, freedom, be whatever it is, its there. Mind you I don't do drugs, so there's no direct route for me in trying to get this release, so it comes down to a certain amount of... recklessness. I like to drink, eat stupidly, jump off or out of things, i like to randomly hook up w/ handfuls of people... nothing too serious... but enough to probably raise eyebrows.

This last round, i just haven't had the time to be reckless till this last week... may have pushed the line a little...

Today i did my first MRI... I fell asleep inside the machine. it took three sticks of of needle/catheter thing to get me ready... it doesn't really hurt anymore. no wonder i look for something that pushes the line.

and its been 2 weeks and i still haven't cried... sigh...