Human pin cushion

As per usual... I'm waiting and I'm scarred. It's my favorite week of February. The week where i get poked and prodded, and find out if I'm still cancer free. I've decided that needles fuck with me. I don't really mind them so much, I'm fine with the physical part of being poked. But what sucks is that I'm not so great about thinking about it. It started Friday; blood work for a pregnancy test. Couldn't just pee on a stick, no, for the testing I'm doing they actually needed a serum... Tomorrow is the first injection of thyrogen, followed by a second one on Tuesday, then blood work on wed. and more blood work on Friday followed by an ultrasound and potential biopsy, and then i see my doctor on Monday for the results... Human Pin Cushion.

Thyrogen... side effects: nausea, headaches, etc... basically, even if I handled this stuff half as well as i did in the beginning, the side effects alone would mean I'm not going to be a shiny happy person. It's also one of those things you can't take when your preggers... hence the blood work pregnancy test, nor do you wanna get knocked up within 6 months afterwords... not that I would, but I dislike having my options taken away

I hate ultrasounds... its my least favorite part about being sick. I would rather just be cut open or radiated... its irrational, but its the truth.

I'm tired. And I'm tired of having to deal with this stuff. It wears on you. Tares you down bit by bit. I don't have hope... I don't hope that things will go well this time... its too crushing when it doesn't... I just wait... start planning... be prepared for the worst... have the back up plan. Its harder this year. I'm about to graduate school... I'm supposed to be making plans and back up plans for my regular life... having to create back up plans in case I'm sick... ha... sigh...

Back to being tired... I realize I'm doing a lot... I do a lot so i don't have enough time to sit and think too much... I rationalized if I'm too busy to deal with being sick, clearly I can't get sick... I discovered this time last year that was not how the real world actually likes to work.

But being tired started over break. I thought maybe it was just that i needed the rest. But I'm still sleeping... if I don't make myself get up, I sleep for at least 12 hours... all the time. I go to bed earlier than i ever have... EVER. and i keep gaining weight. They kept dropping my meds... I'm afraid they've dropped too low. I'm going to ask if they will put me on a T3, T4 regiment. I hear that using both helps with things like mood. Doctors tend to only treat what they see is necessary and skip what makes the brain happy... a hippie hypnotist told me this. Yes, I went to see a Hypnotist... He hit more nerves than your normal head shrink does in the first 5 minutes of talking.... and that was before he tried to hypnotize me... it was just something to try. But so I started reading up, and decided I really haven't felt normal in 4 years.

oh yeah... that's the other head fuck. Next Monday is 4 years. 4 years since i got a phone call congratulating me about getting in the the University of Richmond School of law... the first law school i got into... followed by 3 hours later getting a call telling me the biopsy had come back "suspicious"... It was he first realization i had cancer. So no pressure this week at all. I'm not worried to the point of being unfocused. I'm not panicking. Irrationally planning. Or snapping at people b/c they can't quite deal with their personal problems at all. *sarcasm* Oh yeah, I don't deal well with compassion anymore. People and their personal problems should just shove it if they made other commitments. People who use their shit as excuses, can kiss my ass if they really think they're going to get compassion out of me, or level their workload on me to pick up their slack. We all have issues. You get as much slack as I would expect, and part of growing up is knowing when you are more of a problem than a help in a project or to a team, and sucking it up and pulling out if you can't juggle accordingly.

Sigh... I was so much stronger than this 4 years ago. I wish nothing phased me... the way it did then.... now i border between numb and more tightly wound than anyone on the planet.